


i will be chasing a starlight (until the end of my life)

by gummyminyoongs



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst with a Happy Ending, Astrology, Confused Park Chanyeol, Drug Use, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Fluff and Angst, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Minor, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Soulmates, They really hate each other, Verbal Abuse, baek/suho is minor, baekhyun is obsessed with stars, bully park chanyeol, just some of the time tho, kind of, literally so many idols, the underage is because theyre in highschool, theres a bloody fight scene, theyre naughty kids
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-23
Updated: 2019-02-07
Packaged: 2019-04-26 18:57:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 19
Words: 32,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14408436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gummyminyoongs/pseuds/gummyminyoongs
Summary: Byun Baekhyun hates Park Chanyeol for every horrible thing he doesto him in high school. He’s cruel and selfish and could never care for anyone but himself. He is unforgivable. So why is he always in Baekhyuns thoughts?





	1. Apastron

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!! This is my second fic ever omg. It's gonna be a long one too! I haven't finished writing it, so while i have an idea of where i want it to go, it's still undecided. I'm gonna try to update atleast once a week or more. Anyways, thanks so much for reading

Byun Baekhyun stepped out of his front door, stopping to breathe on his way out. The traffic, usually loud and spewing noxious gases, is slow and the summer heat that makes everything just a little sticky hasn’t come out yet. This is his favorite time and one of the reasons he enjoys summer. Other than the fact that he has no school, Baekhyun enjoys the laziness of it. The heat makes it almost unbearable to do anything but lay around the nearest A/C unit and nothing feels as rushed as it does during the school year. Time slows and he has moments to stop and just breathe as he is doing right now. Plus, he doesn’t freeze his ass off when he goes stargazing.

Since the fifth grade, Baekhyun’s fascination with space has bloomed into a borderline obsession. Stars are the main object of his affection and encourages him to continue learning new information. He finds solace in the fact that even though the naked-eye can’t always see them, they’re always there. It’s ironic, really, how he feels closest to an object so far away. 

Stars are always in conflict with themselves. The collective gravity of all the mass in a star is constantly pulling it inwards. With nothing to stop it, a star would continue to collapse in on itself until it was barely the size of a neutron. Light is always pushing back against the collapse, the energy created from the core making a journey, sometimes taking 100,000 years, to the surface. The constant pushing and pulling creates a perfect balance of order. Baekhyun tries constantly to relate to the life of a star; independent and content with it’s own apparent solitude. But even most stars come in unseen pairs called binaries, they have someone to share the darkness with, someone Baekhyun does not.

He is in no way lonely. He has his closest friends, Kyungsoo and Minseok. He is attractive, by his standards anyways. Obviously, he’s not going to be one of those K-Idols the girls at school talk about, but he has soft black hair and brown eyes to match, clear skin, and nice teeth. Not particularly buff and not particularly small. Maybe that’s his problem, he’s average. He’s average and only the brightest stars get to become constellations. 

\------------------------

As Baekhyun makes his way to the ancient library, he passes by his school. Only two more weeks until the new semester of his final year and then only short months until graduation. Thinking about his future makes Baekhyun nervous, he prefers to think only a short while ahead and enjoy life as it is. Frustrated at his inability to get over his anxieties, he kicks a rock into the street and immediately feels bad. Baekhyun grabs it back up and places it into his pocket as he reaches the glass doors.

The smell is comforting to him, almost like mold, but not quite as thick. It smells like new house or simply like a library. He makes his way to his desk and takes out his container of strawberries out of his backpack like every morning.

“Hey Baekhyun! You’re here on time for once!” a short, chubby face boy with a cute grin walks up to the desk, waving his arms enthusiastically.

“Don’t yell in a library Minseok. It’s against the rules, plus I’m always here on time,” Baekhyun pouts with his arms crossed.

“Sure you are hyunnie. You have strawberry on your face by the way,” Minseok laughs as he walks back to his station, hearing Baekhyun grumble to himself while wiping off the red stains. Baekhyun met Minseok in his first year of highschool. He walked into his homeroom and sat down in the back, prepared to have no one acknowledge him. Not because they don’t like him, they just don’t know him. However, a quiet voice with foreign looking eyes sat on his right side and extended a hand. At first Baekhyun thought he was quiet tempered, but Minseok proves time and time again how loud he can be once he feels comfortable. Despite the noise, Baek is thankful for him and wouldn’t have it any other way.

\----------------------

The library opens soon, so he begins reshelving the books dropped in the overdue basket. After twenty minutes he hears a soft tinkle indicating someone has come in. It’s most likely a mother with an over excitable child eager to look at picture books and climb on the structure for children to read on, even though Baekhyun’s told them time and time again that it is NOT a playground. Nobody else but kids wake up that early on a Saturday. To his surprise, when he looks up he sees a boy around his age walk in. He has a brown head of fluffy curls and is extremely tall with awkward posture. He heads straight to the research section like he’s been there a hundred times even though Baekhyun is sure he has never seen him before.

Baekhyun walks over to where the boy is looking in the shelves. Up close he can see the thick rimmed glasses sliding off his nose. He also has a slight downturn of large pink lips, making it seem as though he’s always frowning. However, never one to shy away from strangers, Baekhyun opens his mouth to him anyways.

“Hello! I’m the main librarian on shift today, so if you need anything please let me know!” all he gets is a soft grunt in return. Not even a look in his direction. Rude. “Okay.. well are you looking for anything in particular?”

“Actually just waiting for you to walk away,” the boy answers in a shockingly low and rough voice. He gives what Baekhyun can only describe as a patronizing smile with large brown eyes that would be cute if not accompanied by the dull stare. Shocked by the rude response, Baekhyun does just that and walks away. Just as he turns around he hears a huff of annoyance that makes his temper flare. Walking faster than normal to the employee desks, he reaches minseok in an instant.

“The guy who just walked in is a serious dick. Beware.” he warns Minseok, careful to whisper as sound carries easily in a completely silent library. 

“Why? Did he insult your pink sweater?” he asks, tilting his head with a seemingly innocent look on his face. 

“Excuse you. This is one of my favorite sweaters actually. And no, he was just rude,” Baekhyun retorts, affronted.

“Of course it is. Well, it is early in the morning on a Saturday. If I had to wake up at this time just to come to a place surrounded by books, only to be stalked by a short man who looks like he got cotton candy thrown up on him, I would be annoyed too,” Baekhyun glares while his “friend” cackles at his own joke.

“Fine sure. You’re right. He’s probably just not a morning person,” feeling a little better, he walks back to his desk and silently resolves to try and give the best customer service he can.“I mean he is cute, and it’s probably just an off day,” he mutters to himself, “I mean, no one is just mean for no reason, right?”


	2. Blue shift

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I forgot to mention the ages in this fic. I'm changing the age gaps between the exo members to make them all in the same year. Birthdays aren't going to really be a huge part of this fic lol until college probably so i'll explain it when it becomes relevant. Also, i did a lot of research into the korean school system and like breaks and the average school day. It is crazy, like actually crazy how much work they have to put into school and it wouldn't fit my au so im going to base it around my school system, kind of? oh well thanks for being patient

 

Yes, some people really just are that mean for no reason. Over the next two weeks the boy, Park Chanyeol according to his library card, comes in almost everyday. He comes every time Baekhyun is working at least. He has tried over and over again to be polite and customer service-ly, but Chanyeol just brushes him off like dirt. He seems to have a major god complex supplied by his lavish lifestyle, if his clothes are anything to go by. Even on the days Chanyeol literally drags himself through the doors to his table in the research section, he still is dressed perfectly with more money into one outfit than Baekhyun’s whole paycheck. Chanyeol is the living embodiment of the “rich and snobby” stereotype. Baekhyun only calls it a stereotype because his best friend, Kyungsoo, is disgustingly rich and definitely not snobby. He should actually ask Soo if he knows a Park Chanyeol and see if it’s just the early morning or if he is really that full of himself.

 

What really bothers Baekhyun however, is how bothered he is by Chanyeol. He deals with rude people all the time and usually just brushes them off, but every curt response or patronizing glare from Chanyeol gets under his skin and makes him want to rip his hair out. Maybe it’s because Chanyeol is undeniably handsome and Baekhyun is very comfortable in the way he feels about men. How could looks as good as his be wasted by such a horrible personality? Plus, in his experience being nice gets you ten times farther than being mean does. Despite his mixed emotions about the obnoxiously tall boy, Baekhyun tries again to be polite and walks over to his table.

 

“Hello again! Are you sure you don’t need any help?” nothing. Absolutely no response, not surprising. “Well, you’re always here and school hasn’t even started yet so, what could you even be studying for?”

 

 “I’m getting ahead so that I don’t get stuck with idiots like you in my classes,” Chanyeol replies absently, like he was reading it from a book. “I’d appreciate it if you start leaving me alone and stop bothering me with your incessant questions and fake niceties, that way I can actually get my work done and stop having to see you everyday,” he ended the last part with the same smile he gave Baekhyun on the first day. It’s also the first time he’s said more than two words since then and it takes Baekhyun by surprise. Seething, but still not wanting to get fired, he whips around and stalks back to his desk.

 

———————-

 

Right as Baekhyun breaks a fourth hole into the library record book and nearly throws the pen across the room, Minseok walks in. He doesn’t work nearly as much as Baekhyun does, and when he does, he mostly just helps around with the technological part of the library. His station is almost on the opposite side of the research center, making it nearly impossible to interact with the object of Baekhyun’s frustration. He envies him for that, even sitting at Minseok’s desk sometimes instead of his own just to get away from Chanyeol.

 

“Woah there Hyunnie. The record book can’t have pissed you off that bad could it?” he asks as he walks towards his desk. He’s wearing a green, yellow, and red thick striped collared shirt and light blue shorts that reach his knees, more stylish than Baekhyun’s ratty hoodie he insists on wearing even though its a thousand degrees.

 

“No, but a certain awkwardly tall rat could’ve,” he replies, still fuming at his pen

 

“A rat? Seriously? That’s what you come up with?”

 

“ That’s what he is Minseok! I seriously hate him. Like actually would not care if he fell into a pit of venomous snakes. I’d probably try to save the snakes from him instead!” Baekhyun whispers exasperatedly. “No one natural is that tall, forreal. Only demons and people who have no soul. Who even let him be cute? The devil? It’s not fair. Plus he used the word ‘incessant’ and called me being polite, ‘fake niceties.’ Who talks like that? No one!”

 

“Calm down Hyun. Who even is he? You haven’t even told me or Soo what his name is.”

 

“It’s Chanyeol,” Baekhyun spits out the name like he ate something sour.

 

“Chanyeol? As in Park Chanyeol? The super smart and rich asshole at school” Minseok asks, eyes wide.

 

“Ye-wait what? I didn’t know he went to our school.”

 

“Oh my god Baekhyun. I know you try to ignore everyone at school, but I would’ve expected you to know some things in that large head of yours,” baekhyun rolls his eyes at that.

 

“I go to school to learn, not gossip like you Seok.”

 

“Sure whatever. Anyways, yeah he’s a huge dick. I would’ve told you that if you had given me a name earlier, like I asked,” Minseok says pointedly. “Sorry to leave you in your time of woe, but some of us have actual work to do and don’t have time to sulk like a child.”

 

“I do NOT sulk Minseok,” Baekhyun says, sulking.

 

“Whatever Princess,” minseok walks to his desk, most likely going to play computer games until 7 p.m. or until someone gets locked out of the library computers. Baekhyun glares at his phone, he doesn’t sulk. Okay, maybe a little. Only because school is starting in One (1) day, and he can’t have people like Chanyeol distracting him. When school starts, he won't be able to work as much and won't have to deal with him anymore. He’ll be out of his life forever, hopefully.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is that foreshadowing? *gasps


	3. Rotation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so these are the first three chapters. i really hope you like it omg

 

Park Chanyeol wakes up to the sound of his cell phone alarm blaring. It takes him a whole five seconds to realize the reason to having set said alarm before the sun even rises. The first day of school is here.

 

“Great. So excited,” he whispers to himself, rising slowly. These last two weeks have been actual hell. He’s spent the remnants of his freedom studying up on the classes he is supposed to take this year. Honestly, he doesn’t have to. Chanyeol is 110% sure he will ace this year’s classes, just like he has every other year of his of schooling. 

 

Chanyeol has been top of his class since he can remember. He’s always helpful to teachers, signs up for all the science competitions, and studies hard. He doesn’t concern himself with sports or silly clubs for “friendship.” Why should he? He’s popular, smart, rich, and handsome, he might add. Chanyeol’s never wanted for anything, courtesy to his father’s company, and he never will. He has everything he wants. So why does he feel like he’s missing something when he lies awake at night?

 

\-------------------------------

As 6:45 hits, he’s on his way downstairs like usual. Punctuality is essential to succeed, that’s what his father always told him.

 

“Good morning hun,” his mom greets, as he makes his way into the large dining area.

 

“Morning,” he mumbles back, giving her a kiss as he passes.

 

“Are you excited? It’s your final year Channie!” she asks him sweetly, patting his cheek. Chanyeol has always had a soft spot for his mother. Everything he does is to make her proud, to repay both his parents for their hard work and support they’ve always given so readily. People always believe all rich parents are cold and unloving, but not Chanyeol’s. For as long as he can remember, his mother has gone to all his competitions (until it started to embarrass him) and his father is constantly showing Chanyeol how to become a better man. Chanyeol envies their marriage. Everything seems so easy for them, like they were made for eachother. His father has always shown his love in small gifts and showing up for dinner every night, never letting his work get in the way of loving his family. He owes them everything.

 

“Oh yeah. I’m just bursting with happiness can’t you tell?” he answers with a roll of his eyes.

 

“Come on, Senior year is a big deal! Have you submitted your applications yet?”

 

“Of course I have mom. I’m gonna be late if I don’t hurry! Bye!” he reaches for the lunch left for him on the counter and rushes to the front door.

 

“You haven’t been late a day in your life Chan! We’ll talk about those applications when you get home, drive safe!” she calls just as he is walking out the front door, shaking her head and smiling. 

 

\--------------------------

 

Baekhyun is late. So late he can hear the two minute bell just as he arrives to the parking lot.  He had stayed up late last night memorizing his schedule and talking to Kyungsoo, causing him to wake up twenty minutes before he had to leave. Normally, he would’ve just had to get ready a little faster to make it to school, but his uniform was still wet in the dryer. He forgot to start it last night and had to let it dry at least somewhat before leaving. After throwing on his damp uniform, Baekhyun went outside only to find that his mother had taken his car, meaning he had to walk to school.

 

He reaches the front gates as the final bell rang, signifying his official tardiness. He sprints towards his class, barging in without knocking. A whole five minutes late. It doesn’t seem like alot, but his school happened to have a very strict tardy policy. His home room teacher, Mr. Kim Namjoon, was kind, but also stern and Baekhyun knew he wouldn’t be getting off easily.

 

“Ah decided to show up did we?” Mr. Kim asked, lowering his black, wire-framed glasses.

 

“Sorry Sir.” Baekhyun answers, bowing his head, “It won’t happen again,”

 

“It better not. Take the empty seat next to Mr. Park please, Mr.-”

 

“Byun sir. Byun Baekhyun,” he says as he scurries to his desk as quietly as possible, as though that would make his sudden entrance any less of a distraction. He had finally reached his desk and went to put his backpack down, when he freezed seeing the kid to his left. It seemed the “Park” Mr. Kim was referring to was none other than Chanyeol. “Are you kidding me?” he whispered.

 

“Something you would like to share Mr. Byun?” 

 

“Uh, sorry nothing sir. I just stubbed my toe,” he could hear the student next to him snicker, Baekhyun thought his name was Jongdae or something. 

 

“Okay, well sit down,” Mr. Kim continued explaining the course expectations and forms the students would have to bring back to school. “These are not your seats for the semester. As you might know, I change seating quite frequently,” Baekhyun visibly relaxed at that, “I’ll be creating a seating chart. If you would prefer to sit next to a certain someone, please write it down on the paper I have left at your desk. Same goes for someone you would NOT like to sit by,” If there was one lucky thing about having Mr. Kim, it was that he always tried to make the students comfortable. Choosing a friend to sit next to was one of his methods. 

 

Looking around, Baekhyun’s eyes landed on Zhang Yixing, a chinese boy who moved here in the beginning of freshman year. Minseok, being able to speak chinese, befriended him and introduced him to the other boys. Although Baekhyun isn’t as close with Yixing as Minseok is, he still considers him a good friend. Actually, seeing the other students, Baekhyun wasn’t friends with them, but he wasn’t on bad terms either. The only person he outwardly despised was Chanyeol. Seeing him now only made his hatred grow. He, of course looked immaculate compared to Baekhyun’s disheveled and out-of-breath appearance. Baekhyun noticed his thick glasses were exchanged for contacts, making his eyes seem smaller but still huge, his hair had also been worked with. It didn’t look as fluffy as it did in the library, suggesting he put some kind of product in it. Chanyeol also smelled like some cologne, it was strong but not overpowering and Baekhyun hated that he liked it. He just couldn’t believe his luck, he had managed to avoid Chanyeol his whole high school years and all of a sudden he couldn’t escape him. 

 

At the end of homeroom, Baekhyun walks up to Yixing, only to see he has already written his name down on the paper. 

 

“Of course we’re sitting together Baek,” he said to him after noticing his expression, “I kinda figured since were both the only people each other like in here. I mean unless you’d rather sit with Chanyeol?” at this Baekhyun snaps his head up at him to see him laughing.

  
“Oh my god, did Minseok tell you?” 

 

“Of course Hyunnie. You know how much he gossips to us, he told us all about how the boy got you all red and riled up,” he laughs even harder at this and Baekhyun blanches at the connotation.

 

“That is definitely NOT what I meant. Ughhh,” Baekhyun groans and pinches his nose.

 

“Relax. We know. He’s your _ sworn  _ enemy, we better hurry if we’re going to make it to the next class,” he says as he stands up, handing the paper to Mr. Kim.

 

“Actually Mr. Byun, I need to speak with you first,” Baekhyun stops dead in his tracks and signals Yixing to go on ahead. “Don't worry, I’ll write you a pass.”

 

“Thank you sir,” Baekhyun answers, bowing.

 

“Now as you know, we have a strict tardy policy here. Since it’s the first day, I can grant you some leniency,” Baekhyun looks up at this, “Don’t get too excited. Since you’re a senior, I still have to punish you. However, instead of three days of after school detention with Mr. Huang Zitao, come into my class today to clean the desks and organize the storage room.”

 

“Thank you sir!” this was better than he could’ve hoped for. He silently thanks any gods for putting him in Mr. Kim’s class. 

 

“Don’t let me catch you being late again Mr. Byun,” the teacher says as he writes a late pass for Baekhyun’s next class. 

 

“Of course not sir. Also, do you think I can not be seated by Park Chanyeol?” Baekhyun asks hesitantly. 

 

“That’s what the paper is for Mr.Byun, so yes I think I can allow it” he says, lips quirked up. “Any reason why? Should I be worried?”

 

“Oh no sir! No reason, I just don’t like the way his cologne smells. Too strong. I have a very sensitive nose,” and with that Baekhyun leaves to continue his day without a certain tall, lanky boy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh baekhyun when will you learn that just because you end with Chanyeol out of your head, it doesn't mean he'll stay out for long


	4. Ecliptic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Its been so long since i've updated omg. This chapter isn't even very good either. I just feel like i have to get though all the explanations and beginning stuff before i can get into the angsty stuff :)

 

The first half of his classes pass by incredibly slow for Baekhyun. The first day is always filled with lame “get to know your classmate” exercises and course expectation forms. By the time lunch rolls around, it’s been an eternity for all the students.  As Baekhyun walks to the tree him and his friends meet up at for lunch, he sees Kyungsoo and Yixing are already there, making Minseok the last one to arrive.

 

“Is it possible to already hate all your classes?” Minseok complains as he collapses onto the grass with a grunt. “Like seriously, I actually hate every single one. I need graduation to be here already.”

 

“Aw, don’t be so dramatic Seok,” Yixing sighs as he moves to where Minseok has sprawled all over the floor and placing his head on his lap, “It will be over before you know it and soon you’ll be crying because you  _ miss us _ ,” he says the last part while squishing Minseok’s face and trying his best to act cute.

 

“Ew don’t ever make that face ever again please. Plus, I’m not going to have time to miss you guys. I’ll be too busy living it up at college parties and being the most lusted after man on campus!” 

 

“Haha sure you are Seok and I’m going to become a K-drama actor and have millions of fans chasing after me,” Kyungsoo retorts, smirking. Baekhyun lazily watches his friends as he sits under the cool shade of their tree. He and Kyungsoo had found it a month after their first year of high school started, trying to escape the heat during the summer. Once Yixing joined their little group, it became their official lunch spot and where they would meet after school. 

 

Baekhyun honestly doesn’t know how he ended up with such amazing friends. Minseok is attractive and makes friends quickly and Yixing is shy, but so adorable you can’t help but coo at him whenever he speaks. They could easily fit in with the more popular kids.  Kyungsoo is the top of his class and running for valedictorian, he’s smart, kindhearted and could definitely find a better best friend than Baekhyun. Baekhyun is smart in subjects he finds interesting, like science, but he doesn’t have the motivation to get straight A’s like Soo. He’s shy but can barely speak to people he doesn’t know, meaning making friends is out of the question. Again, he is very ordinary, so whoever blessed him with friends like these deserves a raise. 

 

“Hellooo, Earth to Baekhyun?” Yixing was waving his hand in front of his face and by the looks the others were giving him, he expects Yixing has been calling him for a while.

 

“Yes? Sorry I was just thinking,” Baekhyun replies sheepishly. Minseok gasps loudly, pulling his hand up to his heart and bolting straight up, effectively startling Yixing.

 

“Baekhyun? Thinking!? How preposterous!!” he exclaims, feigning a heart attack.

 

“Yah! Just because you’re older doesn’t mean I can’t beat you up!”

 

“Actually, mmm yes it does. Tradition and all that. You musn’t disrespect your elders Baekhyun!” Everyone rolls their eyes at Minseok’s dramatic antics.

 

“Honestly Soo, if anyone is becoming the actor, it’s him,” Yixing snorts. “Anyways, why don’t you tell them how your day has been Hyunnie?” he says, smiling mischievously.

 

“Ughhhhh please do not bring it up!”

 

“What happened Hyun?” Kyungsoo asks, real concern spreading across his features.  _ A true friend, _ Baekhyun thinks,  _ unlike these two. _

 

“Nothing much! Just was late on the first day of school, giving me cleaning duties today. To make matters worse however, I happen to have homeroom with the literal devil.”

 

“Chanyeol?” 

 

“Yeah, him. How have I avoided him so long, only to have him appear everywhere in my life now!?” Baekhyun groans.

 

“I don’t know Hyun, maybe it’s destiny,” Kyungsoo pats him on the back, “At least you didn’t get detention. Seriously, you must have a good teacher.”

 

“Yeah and look at it this way! Maybe you can convince Chanyeol to replace the stick up his ass with something else,” Minseok says as he wiggles his eyebrows.

 

“KIM MINSEOK!”

 

\--------------------------

  
  


After the lunch bell rings, Chanyeol walks over to the only few people he can actually call his friends.

 

Chanyeol knows he is attractive and rich, so people are constantly clamoring for his attention. However, he can actually only stand a small amount of people enough to call them friends. He often wonders why people surround themselves in company or why they’re constantly seeking the warmth of another’s breath or touch. It’s pathetic, honestly, how people are always searching for more and more, constantly looking for reassurance that they’re good enough. Chanyeol’s never needed that, he has his small friend group, his parents, himself, and that’s enough. Plus, no one but yourself can decide your own worth, they can only help you come to a conclusion. That’s what Chanyeol believes he’s doing as he tells an insecure girl she’s a slut and that’s why her dad looks at her like that. Or tells the boy with second hand clothes that if he wasn’t so worthless, he wouldn’t be an orphan. When he coldly rejects love letters and invitations and beats up the weaker kids with cruel words and fists, that’s what he tells himself. He’s just helping them realize their self worth.

 

“Hey Channie!” Jongdae, his second longest friend, yells once he sees Chanyeol walk up and sit next to Jongin on a bench.

 

“I told you that you aren’t allowed to call me that,” he seethes.

 

“Why? Your mom calls you that, why can’t I?” Chanyeol just stares at him for a second, wondering why he even puts up with him.  _ Loyalty _ , he guesses. 

 

“And are you my mother Jongdae?” he decides to play nice, just for today.

 

“Jeez, what’s got you in a mood Chanyeol?” Jongdae rolls his eyes and goes back to talking with Sehun. Jongdae knows it’s not a mood, it’s just his personality.

 

Chanyeol’s known this group for the majority of his life. Jongdae is loud, too loud most of the time, but Chanyeol’s known him almost as long as Jongin. He was around for Jongdae’s first girlfriend and then shortly after (two days to be exact) his first boyfriend. When he said he wanted to bleach his hair, Chanyeol was the one checking for spots in the dye and rinsing it out of the tub. 

 

Jongin moved into the house next to Chanyeol’s when he was five. He despised him at first, never playing with him while the neighbors were over for lunch and ignoring him at school. However one day as he was riding his bike, a group of kids spotted him as he rode home. They chased him on their bigger and better bikes, and pushed him so hard onto the concrete, he got a split lip. As he sat crying on the sidewalk, dreading having to tell his mother some boys stole his brand new bike and he could do nothing to stop them, Jongin walked by and took his hand, pulling him all the way to his house. Without speaking, Jongin bandaged his knees, put ice on his lip, and gave him an orange from his father’s tree before walking him home. When Chanyeol told his parents, finding they were more upset about his injuries rather than the bike, he couldn’t help but feel like he owed the boy. So, ever since then Chanyeol and Jongin became inseparable, and Jongin always brought oranges when the other was upset. Him and Jongdae are the only ones he truly cares for aside from his parents. He feels the most real around them, like he doesn’t have to put up a front. 

 

“How was your morning Loey?” Jongin whispers while the others are preoccupied. When they were in middle school Chanyeol and him decided on giving each other “American” names. Chanyeol chose Kai for Jongin and Jongin chose Loey, despite all protests that that is technically not an American name. 

 

“Unamusing, as usual.” he responds, placing his legs over Jongin on the bench and closing his eyes, “How was yours..Kai?” Jongin smiles at that and takes a second to answer.

 

“It was good, I like all my classes. Plus I saw this sign for a club I wanted to join,” Chanyeol opens his eyes at that.

 

“Oh? What club?”

 

“Astronomy. I‘ve never really been into space, but it will look good on my resume,” 

 

“Honestly Kai, why do you even bother with that? It’s mostly gonna be a bunch of losers stargazing. How is that fun?”

 

“Well just because I don't like beating up underclassmen, doesn’t mean everything I do is lame,” It's true. Jongin never gets involved with the bullying. It makes him sick to his stomach, Jongin is too kind for that. However, that doesn’t mean he’s a saint either. He doesn’t try and stop the other boys, he allows them to terrorize others without any protests. 

 

“Whatever Kai, do whatever you want. I don’t care,” Chanyeol says as he closes his eyes once more.

 

“Of course you don’t Loey,” Jongin whispers giving Chanyeol a sad look he can’t see, “You don’t care about anyone, right?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes ellie, you're welcome. I made jongdae blonde in this


	5. Visible Light

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello it has been so so long!! i did not forget about this fic. school has just been kicking my actual butt and a lot of personal things have happened, buuut school is ending this week so ill be able to post ALOT more. also this is just from Baeks view so next chaper will be all chanyeol probs.

The rest of the week passed in a blur for Baekhyun. His teachers had no mercy and piled on assignment after assignment. Baekhyun barely had time to sleep, let alone hang out with his friends. His day was going to school, going to work, staying up doing homework, and then sleeping for  _ maybe _ four hours, if he was lucky. He has been so incredibly busy, he hasn’t even begun to plan the first astronomy club meeting. 

 

Last year, the former astronomy club president gave the reins to Baekhyun. He anticipated that it would be fun, since he loves everything to do with space, but it’s turning out to be just another added stress. The only good thing is that now he has an excuse to take time from school to go stargazing and research in the library. He feels bad for his friends because he knows he has been negligent, but they do fine without him. Really do they even need him there? If he flew away, never to come back, to go live in the stars, would they care? Of course they would. Baekhyun is not naive, he knows the concept of death and the inevitability of it. He also knows what happens to the people left behind, and he promised he would never hurt anyone again. 

 

However, as sophisticated and mature Baekhyun might believe he is, he is in some way, a child. Baekhyun believes in True Love. He believes in love at first sight and fairy tale endings. He believes everyone has a special person, a soulmate. It comforts him in some ways, knowing you have someone waiting and looking for you is comforting. Knowing that if you get that one in a million chance and meet them, it will be like you belong. Like, this is what you were made for, what you’ve searched and yearned for. Baekhyun believes in the whole concept of soulmates, but he also believes that you don’t always get that one in a million chance. Unfortunately, Baekhyun also believes that it is his time to miss that one in a million chance in this fleeting life of his. He feels like he is missing something, which is totally cliche but also totally true. No matter what he does, the only time he feels completely “full” is when he’s staring at the sky. Honestly, Baekhyun is okay with it. He has wonderful people surrounding him and he is content with the knowledge that in his next life he will have a soulmate. Really, this one life is a second compared to the infinite amount of times he will be reborn.

\----------------------------

He hears a knock on his door, shaking him out of his melodramatic thinking,

 

“Baekhyun! There is someone here for you!” his mom says through the door. He cracks open the door to look at her tired face,

 

“Who is it?”

 

“Does it matter? It’s your friend. Come downstairs and don’t be rude. You never leave the house anymore. You should be grateful they even remember who you are,” she scolds.

 

“I see them at school, jeez,” he grumbles as he climbs down the staircase, ready to greet his friends. Surprisingly, it’s only Kyungsoo. Baekhyun sighs in relief,

 

“Oh come on Baekhyun, is it really so bad to hang out with me?”

 

“Not you, per say. It’s really the Other Ones I was worried about.” Baekhyun runs down and envelopes Kyungsoo in a hug.

 

“Hello to you too,” Kyungsoo mumbles from where he’s smothered in Baekhyun’s green fleece sweater. “Why are you wearing this? It’s a million degrees outside.”

 

“Yeah but mom keeps it at below freezing in the place I actually live in Soo. Don’t judge me. It’s not like I leave the house anyways. Let me go change and then I’m all yours,” Baekhyun says suggestively.

 

“I will beat you Hyun, don’t think I won’t just because you hole yourself in your room all day.” Kyungsoo rolls his eyes and goes to sit down on the patchy couch. 

 

Baekhyun does not live lavishly by any means, like Kyungsoo does. He’s lucky hand-me-down clothes are the trend right now because he can’t be wasting money on them. He needs every cent he earns from the library for his family. After his father passed, leaving his mother and three children, Baekhyun’s older brother was the chosen “Breadwinner” now, having gone off into the military, Baekhyun has instead been left with the job. His father had left them all money, but Baek will not be able to attain it until he turns 18 in a few months. His mother had been left with the majority and used it to take care of them in the months after the accident, but soon it ran out and his mother’s meager paycheck at the local diner was not enough for all three of them, even with a second job. After his btoher left, Baekhyun encouraged his mother to take night classes at the community college, promising to pick up the slack from quitting her other job. He never regrets his decision, knowing that his mother getting a degree and finding a career will help his youngest sister, now 6, in the long run. He does, however, wish he could find a way to manage his time better.

 

By the time Baekhyun leaves his house, its dark. They start walking to the convenience store, before making it to their usual hangout spot.

 

“Why such the late visit Soo?”

 

“I knew if I tried to make actual plans, you’d find a way to back out of them,” he says with a sideways glance. A wave of guilt passes over Baekhyun, causing him to watch the spiderweb of cracks on the concrete.

 

“I’m sorry Soo. I don’t mean to ignore you guys. It’s just so hard to balance my work and social life. I work everyday at the library and while using every spare second to do school work there, I still have to sit for hours when I get home. Plus Daeun started school, so I need to worry about that now. Not to mention the first meeting for the astrology club is next week and I’ve barely come up with what I’m going to say,” he sighs, “ I’m so stressed Soo. Nothing even means anything anymore. I’m so stressed I can’t even get excited about the upcoming meteor shower, which is god knows when. It’s like I am so stressed, I’m not even stressed, just numb.”

 

Kyungsoo looks sad after the ramblings and pauses their walk to grab Baekhyun’s hand. 

 

“You have to stop assuming everyone’s stress. There’s no reason to be worrying about Daeun’s school, she’s fine. It’s the first meeting Hyun, no one is expecting a huge presentation. Make it twenty minutes, telling them where and when the meetings will be held. As your vice president,” he squeezes Baekhyun’s hand. “I am here to take at least a third of the load of your shoulders. You’ll be okay Baekhyun.”

 

“Thanks Soo, now I remember why it’s important to hang out with you,” Baekhyun grins, slipping his hand out of his grasp to grab the metal handle of the convenience store. “So, what’ll be Soo? My treat,” He says bowing.

 

They get their snacks and head to a grassy field far enough from the lights of the city to see the stars. 

 

“I miss you Baekhyun,” Kyungsoo whispers, head planted firmly looking straight forward.

 

“I miss you most Soo,” he answers, once again reaching down to intertwine his pale fingers with the slightly darker ones of his, what he would call if he had one, soulmate.

 

\---------------------------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK You for reading and liking my fic omg


	6. Beginning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry again it's taken forever for another update, but im hoping im able to write alot more soon :)

 

Blood. Baekhyun can feel it running down his face into his mouth. Why is he upside down? Where is he? Baekhyun feels dazed, he knows he has to move, to get out of whatever is restraining him. He unbuckles his seatbelt and climbs out the windshield. Why is he in a car? Why is it flipped over? He can feel the sharp stings from the glass littering the road on his palms. He’s crawling, he doesn’t know why. He just knows he has to get far away. He hears a faint groan and he realizes where he is. He has to help him. He tries to stand but something is holding him down. He hears another groan and fights harder at the force binding him to the ground. He has to move, he has to warn him. Baekhyun tries to scream, his mouth is sewn shut. The blood is everywhere around him, creating a pool so deep he could drown. He has to make it to the car, he has to save him, he has to before- 

 

Baekhyun shoots straight up, panting and sweating. It seemed so real. He can smell the leaking oil, the smoke, singed hair, and burning flesh. His left side flares up in pain, lifting up his shirt, he can see the large scars running across his chest and farther down where Baekhyun knows they travel to his thigh. In the moonlight, the pale scars glisten and shine where the skin has been marred. Baekhyun traces his fingers over each ridge and dip, causing the pain to flare up again. What had his therapist called it? Phantom pain? Whatever doesn’t matter. He looks at the clock. 3:03. Baekhyun has already accepted it was going to be a sleepless night. However, he still closes his eyes and tries to ignore the images of ash and debris and his own voice screaming in agony.

 

\-------------------------------

Chanyeol comes to school exhausted. Feet like blocks of cement, pulling his mind down to his ankles and bones filled with sand kind of tired. It seemed like he hadn’t got any sleep when he actually got quite a lot. He chalks it up to him sleeping restlessly instead of not enough and just accepts he’s gonna be moody today. 

 

He walks into homeroom before the bell rings with his headphones in, just in case anyone tries to talk to him. Reaching his desk, he falls into the chair and immediately puts his head down, only to be interrupted by Mr. Kim tapping on his shoulder.

 

“Sorry to wake you Mr. Park, but as you may remember I am assigning seats. You can find where you sit and your partner up on the board. Thank you and remember our strict “no phones” policy please,” he says with a smile as the first bell rings. Chanyeol groans and picks up his bag from the floor, forcibly dragging his feet against the linoleum. He checks the seating arrangement and is pleased with getting Jongdae as his partner, but also knows it is not gonna be a class he can nod off in, sitting next to Jongdae’s loud ass mouth. 

 

He sits back down in his actual seat and closes his eyes finally. Again, he is interrupted, not even a minute later, by Jongdae.

 

“Hey Flan-yeol,” Jongdae’s hobby is coming up with various names for Chanyeol with objects that sound very similar to his name, some of Jongdae’s personal favorites are; Chan-bowl, Camp-pole, and Chan-soul. However, Chanyeol didn’t even lift his head, he just stuck his middle finger up at the general vicinity of the voice. “Woah, someone is very grumpy this fine morning I see. Well,  _ your highness _ , I will keep my voice to a minimum.” Chanyeol knows that’s an empty promise and sure enough, as the last bell rang, Jongdae had already begun a conversation about the girl he tried to feel up in the janitors closet. The janitor’s closet? Really? Even Chanyeol knows that’s just distasteful. 

 

Upon hearing Mr. Kim’s voice, Chanyeol lifts up his head and is met with such an intense color of yellow, he thinks he’s going to throw up. He has to close his eyes because his tired brain could not comprehend the garish sight two seats in front of him. 

 

“What the hell kind of person wears bright ass yellow in the morning?” Chanyeol grumbles to Jongdae.

 

“Oh yeah, what the fuck, it’s that Baekhyun kid. No wonder, he’s super weird,” he whispers back. Baekhyun, the name sounded familiar but he couldn’t pinpoint it until he remembered the annoying boy from the library. Of course it would be him, Chanyeol remembers seeing the kid wearing all sorts of weird clothes with patterns in the morning. It always distracted him from his work because he would stare at them when the boy passed, they were just that bad. This time the boy had on a mustard yellow sweater on top of his school uniform, making his skin look washed out and more importantly, hurting Chanyeol’s eyes. Who the hell wears a sweater in summer? Is this kid anemic or something? The sight worsens his already terrible mood.

 

Chanyeol spent the whole class glaring at the back of Baekhyun’s head, thinking of a thousand ways he’d like to rip that sweater off his small and weak body. If Baekhyun could feel Chanyeol glaring he gave no indication of it, angering him even more. Just who was this kid to think it was alright to show up in his life? It seemed like he was everywhere now, but what’s even worse is how Chanyeol notices him. Throughout the whole day, Chanyeol notices the yellow sweater everywhere, and he  _ hates _ it. He absolutely despises it and the person wearing it. It’s his fault Chanyeol wasn’t able to sleep in his first hour and _ that’s _ why he snapped at Jongin at lunch,  _ that’s _ why he wasn’t able to think of the formulas for his physics test and _ that’s _ why some kid ran into him in the hallway, because all he could see was the yellow sweater. It’s all Baekhyun’s fault. 

 

By the time Chanyeol sees him after school, his loathing towards the boy has reached maximum height. It’s the perfect opportunity, Baekhyun is alone and Chanyeol is not. So when Kris first pushes him onto the ground because Chanyeol says to, its elating to see the brightness of the sweater marred with dirt and grass. It’s even more fulfilling seeing Jongdae kick the boy in the stomach and Sehun dump the contents of his bag all over the floor, ripping papers in the process. Chanyeol hears the boy gasp as another foot lands in his stomach and Chanyeol’s own fist on his face. Chanyeol feels powerful as if he finally showed that fucking sweater he was the boss of this school. He felt content as they left the boy on the ground and laughed as they walked away. He felt so good that when Chanyeol turned around in time to see Baekhyun shakily stand up, he couldn’t wait to make the pathetic boy suffer again. Thus began Byun Baekhyun’s time as Park Chanyeol’s personal target.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked this chapter omg i have so many plans for this fic im so excited


	7. Wrong

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> new chapter! i had trouble writing this one, everything I wanted to say just wasn't coming out but thank u everyone who bookmarks it or comments, it really makes me happy

Baekhyun lies staring at the plastered ceiling, counting the glued on glow-in-the-dark stars him and his father had put up when he was 10. They were arranged in his favorite constellations, with small gaps where glue has come off and some of the stars had fallen off. He remembers the exact day the stickers were put up. It was winter and his mother didn’t allow them to go stargazing because of the frigid temperatures. Baekhyun had cried when he found out he wasn’t allowed to see the meteor shower. His father came home with six bags of plastic stars and planets and spent all night gluing the individual stars onto the cracked ceiling. When it got dark, his whole family gathered in his room with snacks and laid on the floor pretending to see shooting stars and revolving planets. It’s one of the happiest and last moments he has with his father. 

 

Hot tears stream down Baekhyun’s face and quickly wipes them away with the corner of his navy comforter. A weight was pushing into his chest, collapsing his lungs and reminding him of his nightmare, making him cry harder.

 

Most days the sadness is a small spark in the back of his mind, so small he can almost forget it’s there and go about his day happy and normal. In the late hours, when everything is unnaturally silent, the spark blossoms into a raging fire; incapable of being put out until it devours everything around it. During those times Baekhyun feels the most helpless and pathetic, drowning in self-loathing and sobbing over what could’ve been done to prevent his father’s death. It’s all his fault. Everything is his fault. It’s his fault he snuck out at night and his fault his father had to go looking for him and pick him up. If Baekhyun had just done what he was told, his father would still be here, his mother wouldn’t have to work her fingers to the bone, and he wouldn’t have to see the blame in his brother’s eyes and how hesitant he is around him. The guilt wraps around Baekhyun’s body and soon the tears flow freely down his pale and motionless face.

 

\----------------------------------

 

Baekhyun hears, through the pounding of his heart and labored breathing, the clock next to the bed ticking beside him. He uses the monotonous ticking to ground him and pull him back out of his thoughts. Checking the clock once more, he gets up to use the bathroom and take some painkillers for his throbbing side. Although it’s only 4:30, Baekhyun knows he won't be able to sleep and starts getting ready for school. 

 

Finally, the sun rises and he hears his alarm telling him he has 10 minutes before he has to leave. As he turns to leave his room, the yellow garment at the bottom of his closet catches his eye. It was his dad’s sweater, given to him on the walk home from school in the cold months. Wearing it always makes him feel safe and a little less lonely. Baekhyun grabs it and throws it on before leaving the house.

 

\---------------------------------

 

School passes by excruciatingly slow. All day he’s detached and quiet, only speaking when needed and ignoring all his friends. Only Kyungsoo could guess what’s wrong and quietly tells the others to leave him alone, a small but much-appreciated gesture. He even has to stay after school to make sure the classroom for astronomy club is set up and available. By the time he can go home, he’s exhausted and only wants to go home to his baby sister and be alone. However, Chanyeol has other plans.

 

When Kris first pushes him to the ground, Baekhyun’s just confused. It takes him another second to register the hard kick on ribs, knocking the air out of his lungs. Off to the side, he hears his bag being ripped open and all the papers dumped on the ground. He prays that the ripping he hears is just notebook paper, not something he actually needs. The fist connecting with the soft flesh of his cheek is what gets him to understand what’s happening. He doesn’t see who threw it because his vision temporarily went black, but he felt the metal rings on his face. He knows those rings belong to Chanyeol, he’s stared at them enough when he came to the library. He always wondered why Chanyeol had to be even more pretentious and wear large metal and diamond rings. Now he knows why, he guesses. The rings split the skin on his cheek instantly and another hit splits his lip. He tastes the blood and sees it on the ground. Where is he? Baekhyun starts to panic. The final kick to his stomach reminds him, however, he’s at school and not trapped under a car. He briefly hears them turn and walk away laughing, but Baekhyun’s mind is somewhere far away. 

 

Shakily, Baekhyun stands up and immediately feels a sharp pain in his ribs. He checks his backpack and is thankful none of the important papers got ripped, but the zipper had been completely demolished meaning he’s going to have to get a new one. Just great, he doesn’t have any spare money, so he’s going to have to use his lunch money for the rest of this week to buy it. Wasn’t beating the crap out of him enough? Did they really have to break his stuff too? Baekhyun stuffs the objects sprawled on the ground back into his bag and starts walking home.

 

Every inhale is excruciating for Baekhyun. He has to take short, shallow breaths to keep the pain manageable. Whoever kicked him in the ribs really put a lot of force into it, and Baekhyun wouldn’t even be surprised if he had broken one of them. When he finally reaches his house, the blood from his cheek has started clotting, no longer staining his clothes and his lip has stopped throbbing. Checking the clock on the oven, he sees it had taken him almost two hours to get home, considering he stayed after school and then the besting. Baekhyun’s still confused about it. How has he gone all three years of high school staying out of their way, only to meet Chanyeol in the summer and then become a target? It just doesn’t make any sense, he hasn't even talked to any of them since school started. 

 

Confusion still evident in his face, he reaches the bathroom to look at the damage. Gripping the edges of the sink, he raises his eyes and looks at himself in the mirror.

 

He looks away almost instantly, unable to stand the sight before him.

 

He’s pathetic. He shouldn’t be letting a group of rich bullies make him feel this way, but it’s more than that. He  _ knows _ he’s pathetic because he will never fight back. Never. He’ll let himself be brutalized and hurt, and does nothing about it. Because it’s  _ wrong _ to hurt people, that’s what he says even if they’re hurting him.

 

Dropping his head in disgust, he gingerly takes off his sweater and unbuttons his uniform, folding and leaving them both on the toilet seat. He can already see the mud and blood staining both of the articles of clothing and decides to deal with it later. Next, he wets one of the fluffy hand towels under the sink and begins dabbing at his bruised face. It’s already swelling and turning hues of red and purple, indicating a bruise. Even the skin around his eye is starting to swell and please god don’t let him get a black eye. Baekhyun gently tries to get off the dried blood and is so focused on trying to cause as little pain as possible, he doesn’t hear the front door open and small footsteps on the wood floor.

 

“B-Baek?” Baekhyun whips around to see his little sister standing in the doorway of the bathroom. The fast action causes him to wince, and Daeun runs over to him immediately. “What happened Baekkie?!” 

 

“Nothing Daeun, I just fell on my way home and landed in those rose bushes in Mrs. Lee’s front yard,” he smiles for emphasis and Daeun immediately relaxes and starts giggling. “Yeah big brother is very clumsy, isn’t he?”

 

“The clumsiest!” she squeals. “Stay right there Baekkie, I’ll grab some of my special healing bandages for you!” and with that she speeds around, pigtails bouncing as she runs to her room. Baekhyun’s heart swells at the sight and returns to his face. 

 

By the time she returns, all the blood on his face has been wiped away and the cuts disinfected. 

 

“Here you go! I got the most prettiest ones for you,” Daeun exclaims, holding two pink band-aids with little patterns of cats and dogs in the palm of her tiny hand. Ever since she was little, she would only use pink band-aids, insisting they had healing properties that the others simply didn’t. 

 

“Thank you Daeun, now go turn on a movie and we’ll watch it together when I finish, okay?”

 

“Yay! Okay, I’ll put on our most favorite one!” Daeun runs back to the living room and Baekhyun can hear her asking her stuffed cat which one would be best for her big brother. Baekhyun is very protective of her, she’s the only one of his family that doesn’t look at him with sadness or disgust or even looks at him at all. He can’t imagine being anywhere without her and has even considered taking her to college with him. Which is impossible of course, but a boy can dream. 

 

He places the bandaids on the cut on his cheek and the small one on his ribs. He moves to the clothes on the toilet and fills up the sink to soak them in before washing. His shirt is fine, just dirty, but his father’s sweater has a large tear in the shoulder. Fresh tears start to well up in his eyes and he quickly tries to blink them away. Placing it in the sink along with the shirt, he takes a deep breath and promises to fix it. Turning away from the water, rapidly growing dirtier, he places a smile back on his face and shuts the door behind him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there won't be many chapters that explain the same event from both baekhyuns and chanyeols perspective but I thought it was necessary because the sweater will show up in the future! I also have a fan acct on insta (self-promo) @gyeomiegyeom and I just started an au account called @gyeomaus and I post my aus on twitter @gyemiegyeoms so if you want to check those out it would mean the world to me!


	8. Curiosity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow two chapters in two days!? is this really me? aha im just super happy with the way this fic is coming along and im feeling very productive rn. n e ways ENJOY

 

The next morning Baekhyun woke up slightly groggy to the sound of rain pounding on his window. His ribs had hurt so bad last night, he ended up taking a heavy painkiller that made him fall asleep. It thankfully numbed his pain and gave him a blissfully dreamless sleep, but it also made him wake up dizzy and tired. Baekhyun sits up and immediately winces, his face and ribs aching terribly. Checking in the mirror, he sees an apple-sized bruise covering his left cheek and connecting to his eye, effectively “blackening” it. There is a thin, quarter-long cut from Chanyeol’s rings on the high of his cheekbone. His ribs are another story. He definitely thinks one is broken. A huge dark purple bruise radiates outward from another thin cut, overlapping his burn scars. Every deep inhale is excruciating and anytime he turns he has to suppress a groan. Baekhyun is lucky, he could’ve been killed if it had punctured his lungs. What would have happened if he had died? What about Daeun and his mother? What would have happened to Chanyeol? His life would be ruined, he would have to go to prison. Is beating him up really worth throwing a life away?

 

Leaving the house, Baekhyun makes sure to leave an extra treat in Daeun’s lunchbox as a thank you for looking after him. He also notices his mom left him the car, seeing as it was raining. He silently thanks his mom for this small blessing, meaning he won’t have to walk in the rain with his potentially broken ribs. He reaches school quickly, and in a much better mood than the day before.

 

\----------------------------

 

Chanyeol loves rainy days. He loves the smell, the sound, the feeling, all of it. It reminds him of making mud pies with Jongin and hot chocolate with his mother. He would never tell his other friends about his infatuation with it, Jongin knows, but the others are too hard. Too primitive to understand things like dew on pink tulips, or the smell of baking brownies and the warmth from a blanket fresh out of the dryer. Sehun, Kris, even the others they hang out with, Jooheon, Taeil, Minghao, will never understand Chanyeol. They will never know what makes him tick or continue in a life full of unnecessary inconveniences. Because he is not like them. He is complex and logical, not barbaric or naive. 

 

Today, he is in one of his rare great moods. The rain on the roof of his car is the greatest symphony and causes him to sit with his eyes closed in the parking lot before school. However, shortly later he hears another car pull up. Nobody should be here this early, it’s why he left an extra twenty minutes before he usually did. He got here so he could be alone, without any of his friends pestering him or giving him headaches. Chanyeol opens his eyes to see a beat-up car entering a spot in front of him. The infamous Byun Baekhyun steps out of the car and Chanyeol immediately feels his stomach turn. He watches a Baekhyun straightens himself and flinch, hand immediately coming to his side. Chanyeol wonders what happened before remembering yesterday’s events. Something bothers Chanyeol about him though. Baekhyun never tried to fight back or scream. Usually, they always tried to hit back or call for help, not Baekhyun. The thought annoys Chanyeol for some reason. Why wasn’t he sticking up for himself? Was he trying to preserve his image? Trying to show how above them he was? Was it too childish for him? What if someone bigger and meaner, like Kris or Taeil, attacked him while Chanyeol was not there and could not tell them “enough”? Would he fight back then? 

 

Chanyeol followed Baekhyun’s lithe figure as he walked into the building. He was so small, anyone could easily overpower him. Why wasn’t he with friends? Did he have friends? If he did, why was he all alone yesterday? Why is he walking into school, right past where not 24 hours ago he was given those bruises, with a goofy smile on his face? Suddenly, Chanyeol freezes. Why did he care so much about Baekhyun? Who cared if he had friends, why he was smiling, or why he hadn’t fought back? Certainly NOT Chanyeol. He never cared about anyone, except for his parents and Jongin. He certainly does not care about a scrawny boy with straight teeth and glossy hair. Chanyeol takes a second to remember how Baekhyun is smaller and beneath him. Pulling himself back together, he makes a decision to test how long it takes Baekhyun to fight back.

 

\---------------------------

 

Said Baekhyun meets his friends at lunch in the same cheery mood from this morning. Nothing could ruin his mood. Not the questioning stares from teachers and students alike, or the sneers and cruel jokes from Chanyeol and his friends. Today was the first week of November, meaning the first Astronomy Club meeting. To say Baekhyun is excited is an understatement. However, his friends did not have the same attitude when they saw Baekhyun limp up to their tree with a bruised and cut face. 

 

“What. The. Hell. Happened.” Kyungsoo seethes, eyes narrowed on his cheek. Baekhyun sighs and looks at his friends. Yixing had already been told the story in homeroom, but to the others, it was still unknown. 

 

“Nothing Soo. I got into a little friendly scuffle with Chanyeol and his gang of gorillas yesterday.” Baekhyun awkwardly chuckles but stops as soon as he sees the anger in Kyungsoo’s eyes. 

 

“A friendly scuffle Hyun? Is that what you call getting pummeled in the face? Wow, I would hate to see what a hostile fight would do to you then!” Kyungsoo steadily begins to raise his voice, scaring the others. Kyungsoo is always calm and collected, he rarely ever lets his emotions take control of his demeanor. Outbursts like this were rare, but when they happened they all knew to stay out of his way. “How dare they!? Did they think it was funny? I knew they were crap, but I never knew they would stoop so low to attack someone who has never bothered them. For all Chanyeol acts being all high and mighty, he sure is fucking stupid!” Kyungsoo is almost yelling now, drawing attention from onlookers as they walk past. “And what did  _ you _ do Baekhyun? I assume you just let them hit you because for some reason fighting back is not in your moral compass! I shouldn’t have let you go alone, I knew what kind of mood you were in and I should have made sure you got home safe, and now look at you! All beat and brui-”

 

“KYUNGSOO!” Baekhyun has heard enough. He’s not gonna sit here and let his friend blame himself or anyone else for this. “Soo that is enough. No, I did not fight back, but that is my decision. It is not something that you can bring up as a reason for me being hurt. And no, you were right to leave me alone because I wouldn’t have let you come anyway. I am not a child Soo,” Baekhyun softens his voice and grabs Kyungsoo’s hand, “I can take care of myself.  You don’t have to worry about me so much, even if it is endearing,” Baekhyun finishes his response with a small smile, rubbing circles with his thumb over Kyungsoo’s knuckles. 

 

“I know. I’m sorry Baekhyun. I just hate seeing you hurt” 

 

“It’s okay. I love you too” Baekhyun chuckles, glad Kyungsoo has calmed down. 

 

“Okay cute and all, but seriously what the heck Baekhyun?” Minseok interrupts with a still shocked expression on his face. “I know you have trouble with Chanyeol, but I didn’t think he would go this far.”

 

“Really Minseok, it’s nothing just a couple of bruises, no big deal. I mean I think one of them broke my ribs and I have to use my lunch money for this week to buy a new backpack, but other than that I’m fine!” No one really believes him, and Baekhyun hears Kyungsoo scoff next to him.

 

“If you say so, Hyun. Don’t worry about lunch though. Me and Soo will cover it!”

 

“Thanks Minseok, I appreciate it. But on a lighter note, the first club meeting is today!” Finally Yixing chimes into the conversation, 

 

“Are you excited to be club  _ president _ Hyun?”

 

“ Yes I sure am, Mr.Yixing. It’s gonna be the best year yet! I can already tell” 

 

\-------------------------

 

By the end of the day, Baekhyun can tell he is the Cancer’s, as he’s decided to call them, new target. Any time he sees any one of them, with the exception of Jongin, he can count on something being thrown or knocked into him or out of his hands. However, Baekhyun just ignores it and tries not to give any reaction. They have to get bored sooner or later. 

 

Baekhyun gets to the classroom the school let him have for his meetings in an excited flurry. He already has plans for the next two months, and he’s silently hoping people actually show up. Kyungsoo comes in around three minutes later, and at around 2:45, students start piling into the classroom. Baekhyun has not met many of these people and is excited to learn all their names and personalities until Kim Jongin walks in. As cliche as it might sound, the room silences as soon as he enters. Although he never partakes in the bullying, he’s still notoriously known as Chanyeol’s best friend and doesn’t do anything to stop him. He may not be as intimidating as Chanyeol, Sehun, Kris, or even Jongdae but he’s certainly not welcomed with open arms. Sensing the awkward tension, Jongin sits in one of the desks way in the back. Baekhyun shakes his head to clear it and begins the meeting. 

 

“So, overall we will be meeting twice a month on Tuesdays at 2:45. The meetings don’t have an official ending time, but they really shouldn’t ever be more than a couple of hours. Unless, of course, it’s crucial,” Baekhyun pauses and looks at the 20 something amount of people, feeling excitement and pride well up in his chest. “Well for today, to really introduce yourself to everyone we’re gonna have a small project! Um, get into partners and for our first assignment come up with things you would like this club to accomplish, as well as things that describe you and put them onto stars or planets or really anything to decorate the room with.” The school had given him an abandoned classroom, probably remembering the “accidents” the club has had before. Some involving highly acidic substances and causing a lot of property damage. 

 

The school takes clubs very seriously. Everyone is not forced but strongly recommended to be in at least one club per year. The president of each club creates an attendance list and is forced to take role every meeting. They also need to create some kind of grade book, with a minimum of two grades per month. If a particular student has a 95% or above in their club, they can use that to raise their grade almost a whole letter in any one class. Most of the time the grades are simply participation, but attendance can be detrimental to the grade in the club as well. Too many “absences” and they fail the club and is given a month detention since technically they are failing a class and the traditional punishment carries over.

 

Baekhyun watches as everyone pairs up, seemingly with their friends. However, he sees Jongin shuffle around awkwardly as everyone avoids him. His heart pangs in sympathy, even if he hates Chanyeol, Jongin has never done anything mean to him. In fact, Baekhyun remembers Jongin letting him copy of his homework and tests a few times in math Sophomore year. Mean friends or not, Jongin joined this club and should not be excluded. Baekhyun begins to walk up to him with the idea of offering to partner up with him when he feels a sharp tug on his elbow. He turns and sees Kyungsoo nervously shuffling and tugging on the hem of his white button up. 

 

“Um, Hyun? Maybe it’s best if I work with him?”

 

“Are you sure you don’t mind? You have to be nice Kyungsoo. I won't tolerate any kind of prejudice in this club, best friend or not.” 

 

“Of course I will. I don’t have a problem with Nini,”

 

“Okay, Thanks a lot Soo,” Turning around too quickly, he misses the shy smiles and light touches exchanged between tan skin and heart-shaped lips. In fact, Baekhyun is so worried about Kyungsoo’s outburst and the potential of him taking it out on Jongin, he doesn’t realize until he’s laying in bed that night that Kyungsoo had called Jongin, Nini. Baekhyun scrunches his face in confusion trying to remember anything that could have indicated Kyungsoo and Jongin were friends. Nothing. They did live in the same neighborhood, after all, maybe they ran into each other at stuffy afternoon teas and formal dinners.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Im sorry i had to put Nini in there, its just such a cute name


	9. powder

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there is drug use in this chapter and in case you hvaent read the tags, its def going to happen again. Just warning you.

November passed in a blur of changing colors, scarves, and pumpkin spice lattes. Classes were manageable and Baekhyun’s Astrology club was a huge success. Senior year was turning out to be everything Baekhyun had hoped for. Well, almost everything. The same five boys have ruined what Baekhyun would call his “perfect high school experience.” He has made it a point to learn all of Chanyeol and his friend’s names, their methods of torment, and how to avoid them at all costs. If he sees them coming, he turns and walks the other way.  Baekhyun doesn’t want to include Jongin, but he’s given him no other choice. Although Jongin has never done anything to him and has a whole new side that only those in Astronomy get to see, he’s definitely not showing it while his friends are around. It’s for the best. 

 

Naturally, he can’t hide from them forever. Since the week after the first beating, Baekhyun’s gotten away with sharp glares and the occasional shove and trip. Sometimes it’s all five of them, sometimes only two or three. Baekhyun is not their only target, he sees them picking on other kids too. It makes him feel just a tad better that he’s not being singled out and it’s not just him, but somehow he still feels like it’s different. Why, in their final year, have they decided to pick on him now? It makes little to no sense why they suddenly despise him for some unknown crime. Is this all because of the library incident with Chanyeol? Speaking of Chanyeol, Baekhyun thinks there is more to him than what others see. Although he certainly isn’t showing that side to his friends, much less Baekhyun.

 

However, sometimes, he’ll catch Chanyeol staring, at lunch or in class, even in the hallways. He feels the prickle down his neck, indicating unwanted eyes. In homeroom, Baekhyun will shift so he can see him fixated on Baekhyun’s profile. He feels raw as if Chanyeol’s eyes are staring into the back of his brain and prying every secret from his soul. Carving them out with a jagged blade, leaving open and bleeding wounds in his path. Baekhyun pretends that Chanyeol just has a thing for staring, but he knows, deep down he knows that’s not true, and it confuses him. Intriguing him all the more, causing him to pay special attention.

 

Watching the boys does have its perks. Baekhyun has noticed things about them, that he doesn’t even think they’ve noticed themselves. He notices how Sehun longingly stares at the other boys, especially Jongin. How it seems that he’s always just out of the circle, or just out of reach like he doesn’t belong. The same way he notices Sehun trying to be in the loop, he notices Jongin trying to stay out. Jongin never strays far from Chanyeol, and the rare occasion that he does, the boy looks like a puppy waiting for his master. The most interesting thing, however, is Chanyeol. Baekhyun notices, he barely converses with the others. Only the occasional remark or chuckle. Usually, Chanyeol just looks at them with an aura of superiority, except the times he’s with Jongin. Baekhyun also sees how unnaturally touchy Kris is with Chanyeol. Always trying to grab, or poke, or get closer. Anytime he looks at Chanyeol, Baekhyun can see the way Chanyeol freezes and shrinks under the gaze or how he slyly pries himself from Kris’s hold, like a scared rabbit. It confuses Baekhyun so much, he does something he never believed he would ever do. He asks Minseok for gossip.

 

At lunch after watching, for the third time, Chanyeol move away from Kris, Baekhyun asks. 

 

“Hey, Minseok? Chanyeol and Kris are friends right?” Minseok looks over from where he was eating, shocked. 

 

“Uh.. yeah? Kind of why they’re sitting together? I mean I would assume so.” 

 

“Yeah but, I don’t know, it seems like there was some beef between them or something. Come on Seokkie, give me the gossip,” At that, Minseok perks up and makes his way under the tree where Baekhyun is sitting bundled up in the pink, cotton candy sweater Minseok made fun of before. 

 

“Why do you wanna know? I thought you didn’t care about them?”

 

“I don’t. I just feel like if they’re gonna terrorize me, I should at least know about them.”

 

“Okay sure. Anyways, apparently, Chanyeol and Kris were a thing Freshman year. It’s kind of how Chanyeol became as popular as he is. In middle school, he was always quiet, never drawing attention, but all of a sudden BAM! They were the school’s first openly gay couple or fuckbuddies, whatever you wanna call it, and that drew a lot of attention. I’m sure you remember that at least, right?” Baekhyun nodded absently, he didn’t remember this at all. Actually, he vaguely remembers whispers about two gay boys and how everyone was either disgusted, sad that two people so attractive would do that, or happy for them. 

 

“Sure, sure. I remember,”   
  


“So, anyways it always seemed as though Kris was way more into Chanyeol than Chanyeol was into Kris. So, it wasn’t a shock to anyone to hear Chanyeol had broken off whatever they had. The next week, someone caught him with an older girl in the back of her car and believed the whole gay thing was a phase. I guess until they saw him the next week in the back of a guy’s car. But, Kris is still madly in love with him, following him like a lovesick puppy, doing anything to gain his approval. It would be sad really, if Kris wasn’t such a dick.” he scoffs and then returns to where he was sitting with Yixing before.

 

Baekhyun can’t argue with that. As much as he stays away from rumors and speculations, he’s heard nasty things about Kris. The drugs and alcohol, even less than consensual sex, it horrifies Baekhyun and he officially dubbs him as the worst of the boys. Looking towards their group again, Baekhyun feels an ugly feeling in his stomach seeing Kris watch Chanyeol, and can only hope it goes away soon. 

 

\-------------------------------

 

All Chanyeol can see are colors when he closes his eyes. He sees yellow and pink and chocolate brown in his dreams. Every morning, he awakes more and more confused as to why the boy with flashy sweaters invades his mind when he sleeps. In these dreams, Baekhyun is standing there, smiling, with open arms and all Chanyeol wants to do is run to him. To envelop himself in thin arms, and nuzzle into the fluffy hair. No matter how fast he runs, Baekhyun only moves farther and farther away until he can’t see him and all he can hear is his own heavy breathing and longing whines. 

 

Whenever Chanyeol has these dreams, it makes him hate Baekhyun more and more. Why does he care so much about what Baekhyun thinks? Or why he’s worried about what he would say if he knew what kept Chanyeol up at night? The dark and nasty thoughts Chanyeol thinks about himself. How he wishes they would quit and just let him be. His mind is tricky though, it lets him believe everything is under control and he’s perfectly fine until he isn’t. Chanyeol thinks of Kris. Although it happened a long time ago, he still remembers when they were together. Kris had pleaded with him for them to be official, to finally go all the way. But, Chanyeol could tell there was something bad about him. Something that scared Chanyeol, and still does when hands travel farther than what’s warranted for a friendly greeting. What if Baekhyun found out about Kris and all the meaningless flings he’s had since then? He shouldn’t care, but he’s thinking about it and it frustrates Chanyeol to no end. 

 

Chanyeol hates him.

 

Chanyeol wants nothing more than to know him.

 

He loathes Baekhyun.

 

He wants Baekhyun.

 

It’s all so fucked up. 

 

On one of the many nights where all Chanyeol can do is think about Baekhyun, because that’s all he does now apparently, he makes a decision. Since Chanyeol is so confused, he decides to break Baekhyun. To bully him so profoundly and tirelessly, his own brain sorts itself out and leaves him alone. He’s going to hurt Baekhyun. Because that’s what Chanyeol does best, hurt. It feels so good to punch a boy in the face or rip up some kids homework in class. He knows it’s wrong. It’s twisted and cruel and fucked up, but Chanyeol is always trying  _ so _ hard to do  _ right _ , it feels good to be wrong. It feels good to hate and Chanyeol  _ hates _ Baekhyun, just like he  _ hates _ everyone else at the school.

 

With his new resolution, Chanyeol comes to school determined. Determined to show just how much he hates Baekhyun. However, Kris tells the other boys he has a surprise for them, and they should all ditch today’s classes. Chanyeol agrees, for fear of making Kris angry, and they all follow him to the abandoned warehouse they go to when they want to be reckless. The warehouse was shut down way before Chanyeol was born, it used to be some old baby clothes factory that went bankrupt. None of the machines or electricity work and the building isn’t very big, completely rusted and dilapidated. When they had found this place, they put old chairs and even a mattress from one of the break rooms in a circle around a gigantic and broken window and during the winter, one of them would make a fire using old wood, lighter fluid, and leftover baby clothes. 

 

Sitting in their usual spots, everyone turns expectantly to Kris.

 

“Come ooon, show us what you have,” Jongdae whines and throws his hands up in the air, “I’m freezing my ass off and missing a Calc test for this.” 

 

“Chill Jongdae, it’s worth it,” Kris smirks and pulls out a little baggie filled nearly full with white powder, out of his Louis Vuitton jacket. 

 

“Shit Kris, where’d you get that from?” Jongdae asks, eyes wide in anticipation. 

 

“Just a friend, no worries. Who’s up?” Jongdae springs forward, blonde hair bouncing as he waits for Kris to make near perfect lines on his cellphone screen. Placing the rolled up bill in his nose and taking one large sniff, he lifts his head up in content, taking his finger to rub whatever remained from the phone, onto his gums. After Jongdae sat back down, it was Sehun’s, then Kris, then Chanyeol’s turn. When the bill finally came to Jongin, nobody thought he would actually take it. Normally, just like the bullying, Jongin would refuse any drugs or alcohol, no matter how much they pleaded. Not today though, maybe something happened with the kid he was sleeping with but refused to tell anyone about, even Chanyeol. Jongin took his turn, much to the happiness of Kris and sat down. 

 

Chanyeol has no idea how much time passes, but suddenly he wants to do everything. He wants to run back to his house and get his homework done, he wants to practice his guitar, catch up on all the shows he’s missed, join a club, get a cat, or punch Kris in the face, all at once. 

 

He also wants to punch Baekhyun in the face, because he’s better than him. He wants to rip him apart and then gently put him back together. Chanyeol wants to kiss him and hold his hand, but he can’t do that. Except right now he can, because he can do  _ anything _ . 

 

The feeling doesn’t last very long, thirty minutes at the most. All five of them are left breathless from laughing at nothing and slumped in their chairs. He vaguely hears Sehun whining from when he got on top of his chair thinking he could float, and fell and split his knee. Looking up, he grins at Jongin’s red and smiling face.    
  


“Not bad,” Jongin mumbles, dizzyingly.

 

“Didn’t last very long but I agree, not bad at all,”

 

Kris looks at them and holds up his nearly full bag of cocaine. Chuckling, he opens the bag with shaky fingers, “Who’s up for round two?”

 

\--------------------------------------

 

School is almost out by the time they decide to leave the warehouse and make it back to their lunch spot. By some twisted act of God, Chanyeol spots Baekhyun waving goodbye to his friends and turning in the opposite direction. 

 

With the high from the cocaine worn off, leaving only an aching emptiness, Chanyeol walks right up to Baekhyun and punches him across the jaw. He hears Baekhyun’s gasp in surprise, and then he’s punching again. 

 

By the fourth punch, he feels better.

 

This is what Chanyeol can do. This is easy for him, familiar. The feeling of someone’s face against his knuckles is not new. It doesn’t matter who is on the receiving end because they’re all the same.

 

Baekhyun is not  _ special.  _ Chanyeol convinced himself there was something about Baekhyun that separates him from the others, but that’s just a lie.  Byun Baekhyun is no different. 

 

Sure, he’s gorgeous and strange, and Chanyeol wants to understand him. But he’d rather hate him and go along with his friends then accept Baekhyun is better than him and everyone can see it. It feels better to loathe someone then to envy them, or pine after them. 

 

Punching Baekhyun is the wakeup call he needed, proof that Chanyeol is still above him. That Chanyeol still hates him as much as the freshman nerds who write the newspaper, or those girls constantly throwing themselves at him, with half-assed love letters. Hates him just as much, if not more, as his friends hate him. As much as Chanyeol hates himself, secretly, when no one else is watching. Because he can’t show weakness, not when people like Kris are waiting to tear him apart. 

 

It’s easier to live in a world of blackness, then to try and make it light. It’s easier to succumb to the darkness rather than change. Feeling Baekhyun’s blood on his fingers reminds him of that. 

 

Chanyeol only punches a few more times until his friends intervene. Sehun grabs him and slams him up against the brick wall. Baekhyun hits it hard, grunting as the air is knocked out of his lungs. A defeated look crosses onto his face, and he just stands there.

 

“Alright guys, let's get this over with,” Baekhyun breathes out. Kris and Jongdae laugh and continue hitting, but Chanyeol just stands there. Why isn’t he fighting? 

 

Chanyeol wants him to fight back, to kick, to scream, to do anything to taint the image he has in Chanyeol’s mind. He stares and sees one of Baekhyun’s nostrils bleeding. Jongdae punches him in the gut and he keels over, but Kris catches him, landing a hit on the square of his jaw. Chanyeol just watches as Baekhyun is hit over and over again by Kris. 

 

For a split second, Baekhyun looks at Chanyeol. For the first time in forever, he acknowledges he’s there, and it makes Chanyeol feel small. Not the kind of small he feels when Kris’s grabby hands reach for him, or the smirk he wears when he watches Chanyeol flinch away. The kind of small that makes Chanyeol want to fix himself, to be better for Baekhyun. 

 

What the fuck? 

 

He doesn’t get long to ponder though. He hears a teacher running towards them, shouting. 

 

“Fuck. Run,” Jongdae hisses. All five of them bolt towards the parking lot on the other side of the school. However, right before Chanyeol turns around the corner, he looks back at Baekhyun and waits to see him stand up before running again. The whole drive home, he’s left wondering why he stayed to make sure Baekhyun got up if he hates him so much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dont do drugs kids or you might become like Channie over here


	10. Guitar

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TrASH.

 

Playing guitar is one of the only times Chanyeol can think. The familiar feeling of calloused fingertips on metal strings and the strum of chords calms him. When he was a kid, Mama Park would listen to the local radio while she cleaned or made dinner. One day, a man with a gruff voice came on and played a song on the guitar. Chanyeol was mesmerized. The man, who Chanyeol can’t even remember the name, sang with so much passion and emotion in his voice, Chanyeol cried. His mother came rushing to him asking why had he begun crying and Chanyeol looked up at her, crystal clear tears falling down his chubby toddler cheeks and said, “Mommy, the man sounds so sad. Why would someone make him so sad?”

 

As he grew older, he searched for the song and the man with such a sad voice with no luck. Still, Chanyeol was hooked. He had cried and pleaded with his father to buy him a guitar, so he can sound as beautiful as the man from the radio. His father, being the good guy he is, obliged and bought Chanyeol one of the best guitars in the market. At first, the guitar was too big and his fingers hurt from the strings. School was stressful and Chanyeol didn’t want to spend time on something that wouldn’t make him money if he wasn’t even good at it. He wanted to give up so he did, for a time. 

 

While in a record shop, trying to find some obscure artist Jongin loved, he heard the song again. The same song that played from his mom’s small radio and moved him to tears just happened to play in the store. Chanyeol froze and for the whole three minutes, stood with his eyes closed, just feeling. 

 

He ran home and immediately picked up his guitar, this time not giving up. He played until his fingers bled and his mother complained about the noise at night. Chanyeol came to school with bandaged fingertips and dark circles, but was determined to learn how to make his own songs. Eventually, during his freshman year of high school, he did. Chanyeol started creating melancholic melodies or upbeat rhythms, it didn’t matter. Because he had made it, with his own hands, he created something someone could actually enjoy and treasure. Of course, he never showed this to anyone. He already felt guilty for putting his energy into something other than school, so he never played for his parents. Even if his mom had asked him to. By then, Chanyeol was already known as the cold and expressionless boy at school, what would people do if they knew he wasn’t what they thought he was?

 

There are specific molds for everyone in the universe. Without people filling these molds and playing their part, the school would be chaos. No, that can’t happen. There need to be bullies, jocks, and nerds for them to feel safe. To feel as though anything they do means something in the grand scheme of the universe. Strip away someone’s title and what do you get? A lost sheep, blindly fumbling in the dark, frightened by their own insignificance, looking for instructions. So, with that in mind, Chanyeol is content to play his part, to fill his mold.

 

However, when Chanyeol isn’t content to sit and be told what to say or do, when the character is too much for him to handle, he plays guitar. He creates music to drown out the directors and producers, screaming at him to memorize his lines, to get into costume because  _ the show must go on.   _

 

It helps him to think and to breathe. To simply, even for a moment, be Chanyeol. So, that’s what he does the day after beating up Baekhyun. Seeing him come to school, bruises littering his body, with a smile strikes a nerve in Chanyeol. Why is Baekhyun able to be happy, when he was stuck in the dark? It isn’t fair. 

 

Chanyeol walks about a mile to a small park, far enough from his neighborhood that no one will spot him. Behind the jungle gym and rusting swings, is a small clearing. It’s surrounded by greenery and trees, so unless someone knows it’s there, it won’t be found. The clearing isn’t large, only able to fit maybe four people. Overrun by weeds and dandelions, it’s the perfect place to practice. The grass is untouched by litter or unruly children. Yellow and purple flowers grow in patches along the brush. At dusk, small fluttering bugs gather in clusters, humming and breaking the silence. Chanyeol loves it here. When someone says to “picture your happy place,” Chanyeol thinks of this small clearing. 

 

Settling down on an old blanket Chanyeol brought when he was younger, he begins to play. 

 

_ \---------------------------------- _

 

Baekhyun was sore. All over, his body hurt. At school, he put on a smile and waved off questions laced with worry. In his head, he couldn’t get over the look Chanyeol had on his face when they made eye contact. It was questioning. Like he was wondering why Baekhyun was pinned against the wall when he had been the one who put him there. Why couldn’t Chanyeol just leave him alone? Just get rid of this weird obsession with hurting him, and continue on with his life. 

 

Kyungsoo seems to be even more angered than Baekhyun. Seeing Baekhyun walk up at lunch with more bruises, makes him inconsolable. After about five minutes of yelling, Kyungsoo just sits there angrily eating his lunch and ignoring everybody. Obviously, something more than Baekhyun’s injuries was upsetting him. During Astronomy club, Kyungsoo refuses to speak to anyone. Baekhyun is worried that Kyungsoo wouldn’t be able to control his temper and take it out on Jongin. However, Kyungsoo simply walks in and begins working on the large solar system model in the back without a word. Jongin gazes at Baekhyun with a look of concern and tries to talk to Kyungsoo, but he too is met with a wall of silence. The whole hour, Jongin tries to get Kyungsoo to speak to him to no avail. Eventually, both Baekhyun and Jongin go home with matching hurt feelings and furrowed brows. 

 

After school, Baekhyun goes straight to his room. He’s still confused as to why Kyungsoo is so moody lately and briefly wonders if he even knows his best friend. He thinks about calling Kyungsoo and asking, but he doesn’t want to be a bother and decides against it. 

 

Hearing his sister come home, Baekhyun walks into the cramped kitchen. On the worn table is a note from his mother saying how she won’t be home until late tonight. Typical. His mother never comes home anymore, she goes straight from work to school on most days. When she is here, she spends most of the time with Daeun. Baekhyun is grateful his little sister is getting attention, but sometimes he can’t help but be selfish and wish his mother would speak to him too. Luckily, his job at the library is forgiving lately, only having him work three days this week. So instead of having Daeun go to the neighbors after school, he’s able to keep her at home. It’s both a relief and added stress because the money Baekhyun should be making goes to keeping him and his sister fed and clothed. 

 

“Hello Mr. Byun Baekhyun,” Daeun says cheerfully, missing teeth on full display. 

 

“Hello, Ms. Byun Daeun. How was your day this fine afternoon?” Baekhyun copies, even bowing and receiving a cute, albeit clumsy, curtsey back.

 

“It was good, Jisu was mean to me today. She took my last two apple slices! The teacher didn’t even care, so I told her my big brother will come to her house and steal all her apples,”

 

“Daeun, I will not go to her house and steal all her apples. Why would you say that?”

 

“I know Baek, but she doesn’t,” Daeun gives him a sloppy wink and bounces onto the couch to watch her show. Baekhyun stares after her, wondering how a six-year-old can be so cunning. He grabs a snack and heads back to his room to do homework. 

 

At about six, Baekhyun hears a small knock on his door. 

 

_ “ _ Daeun?”

 

“Baek I'm bored. Can we go to the park please?” Daeun whines through the wood. 

 

“Ugh I’m busy right now,” Baekhyun is most definitely not busy, but it’s cold outside. 

 

“Pretty please? I’m lonely,” At that Baekhyun feels guilty and gets up to put a sweater on. 

 

“Fine, but that means you have to help me cook dinner tonight,”

 

_ “ _ Okay! Will do, boss! I’ll go get my shoes on!” He hears Daeun run towards the front door and puts his own sneakers on. Leaving the room, he finds his sister all ready to go. 

 

“You already had your shoes on didn’t you?” Daeun giggles and opens the door, stepping into the frigid air. It’s Christmas in a few weeks and Baekhyun is excited. He loves Christmas, the feeling of warmth and happiness, and most importantly, the snow. He is not excited, however, to see all his family and be reminded of how little they like him and how they wish the accident hadn’t happened. 

 

After a short walk, they reach the park and Daeun leaves to go play on the swings. She recently learned how to swing by herself and spends hours kicking her feet back and forth. Baekhyun gets out his phone to start outlining the next club activity. Except, about thirty minutes in, Baekhyun hears the music. Confused, he stands up to look for the source. Making sure he can still see Daeun, Baekhyun makes his way over to a wall of bushes. When he peeks through, he almost falls back by the shocking image.

 

In the middle of a small clearing, sits Park Chanyeol. He’s sitting on a dirty blanket in normal people clothes. Not the rich stuff he normally wears to school. What is most interesting though is the brown blob sitting on his lap. A guitar? Chanyeol plays guitar? Baekhyun almost laughs at the absurdity of it until Chanyeol begins to play. Chanyeol starts to strum the saddest song Baekhyun thinks he’s ever heard. It’s disgustingly beautiful and as Chanyeol starts humming, he feels silent tears well up in his eyes. When the song finishes, the clearing is left in a static-like state. Almost as if all the birds and insects stopped their singing to listen to the tear-inducing music. As the last note rings out, the world pauses for a second while Baekhyun watches Chanyeol. His eyes are closed, fingers stilled over the strings, giving him an ethereal look and Baekhyun forgets he hates him. Baekhyun forgets Chanyeol beats him up and his friends rip up his homework. In this moment, Chanyeol is just a boy sitting in the grass and Baekhyun is just a boy watching him. Baekhyun unknowingly stops breathing and admires every curve and dip of Chanyeol’s face. The universe stopped turning on it’s axis, like it was waiting for this perfect moment, and Baekhyun doesn’t ever want it to end.  

 

That is until Chanyeol sighs in frustration and moves to cross something out on the paper next to him, opening his eyes. He stops, looking right into the direction of Baekhyun. Panicked, Baekhyun snaps around and sprints back to the park, grabbing Daeun and almost running home. Slamming his front door behind him, Baekhyun rests his weight against it, breathing heavy. He closes his eyes prays to any god willing to listen, that Chanyeol did not see him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading my trash


	11. Crushes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello it has been a while since ive updated

 

 

When the weekend comes around Chanyeol is relieved. Saturday morning, he sits up and stretches, allowing his shirt to ride up and a strip of skin to become exposed to the air. It’s freezing and he recoils back into his blanket warmth. Placing his feet on the chilled wooden floor, Chanyeol runs to his open window and shuts it immediately, effectively closing off the cool December air. He runs just as fast back to his bed and underneath his covers. Deciding to stay in his warm bed until his room heats up, Chanyeol unlocks his phone and opens a text from Jongin asking to hang out today. Sending a quick message back to him in the affirmative and checking twitter, Chanyeol finally gets out of bed. The floor is still cold so he puts on his favorite fuzzy socks with Totoro faces on them. One of his very few guilty pleasures is Studio Ghibli films, the subtle memorabilia around his room proves it.  

 

Trudging downstairs, he meets his mom sitting at the breakfast bar. She’s fully dressed, makeup immaculate and without a single hair out of place on her head. As he grabs his cereal from the cabinet, Chanyeol notices her nails are a pale pink, a sharp contrast from the previous navy blue. 

 

“Did you get your nails done Mom?” he asks, grabbing milk from the fully stocked fridge to pour into his bowl of cereal. Usually, the housekeepers make breakfast, but Chanyeol woke up too late and missed it, forcing him to make it himself. 

 

“Yes, I did! Thank you for noticing Channie. I went with Mrs. Jeon this morning, which you would’ve known if you had woken up earlier. Seriously, it’s noon,” Mrs. Park lowers her glasses to look at him better. She is breathtakingly beautiful. Chanyeol’s friends always teased him about it, but secretly he’s proud to have her as a mom. Her chestnut brown hair falls right below her chest, shiny and healthy-looking. She has large and doe-like eyes, the same ones Chanyeol has, but hers are more hazel instead of brown. Her frame is small and delicate, but her aura is powerful and she naturally exudes confidence and poise. His father had constantly tried to get her attention, without getting the time of day in return. Eventually, she felt bad for him and allowed him to take her out, getting married half a year later. 

 

His father met his mom before he became the boss of his father’s company. Everyone told them it was too stupid to marry at 19. They couldn’t possibly know what love is, they were too young and foolish. Chanyeol’s grandfather looked down on the marriage; he threatened to cut him off if he went through with it. In a heartbeat, his father chose the woman he loved and was shut out from the family. Two years later, Chanyeol was born and his grandfather suddenly had a change of heart, welcoming them back with open arms, apologizing for his actions and passing the business on to his son. 

 

Since then, Chanyeol has lived a life of luxury. Doted on by both parents and grandparents, he always gets anything he wanted. Chanyeol still can’t believe his father almost ruined his life for a silly thing like love, nevertheless he’s glad. Chanyeol loves his parents more than anything in the world. 

 

“Sorry mom, it’s been a stressful week,” that’s the understatement of the century. This week has been filled with bad decisions and conflicting emotions. Sometimes he feels bad for lying to his mom about what he and his friends do in their free time, but it’s for the best. 

 

“I know Channie. I mean we’ve barely seen you at all. Is everything alright?”

 

“Fine Mom, everything is fine. Don’t worry,” Sure, fine. If fine means Chanyeol’s entire world turning on its axis. 

 

“I’m still going to worry,” she puts her glasses back on and turns back to her computer. “Any plans this weekend?”

 

“Uh, Jongin asked to hang out so I’ll probably go after I shower,” his mom gives him a pointed look, “If that’s okay of course,” Chanyeol rushes.

 

“Of course. Tell him I said hello and we all miss him at the house. Even the housekeepers have started asking about him. Bring his mother some of the cookies your father baked,” she pointed towards the tubberware filled to the brim with chocolate dipped cookies. “I swear, that man is going to bake himself to death, I came down for water and found him elbow deep in flour at 2 a.m.” Just like Chanyeol’s guilty pleasure is animated movies, his fathers is baking. He’s usually busy so he rarely has time anymore, unless it’s 2 a.m. apparently. 

 

“Okay sure thing,” putting his bowl in the sink, Chanyeol runs upstairs giving his mother a hug on the way out. 

 

After showering and getting ready, Chanyeol bids his mom goodbye and leaves the house. He doesn’t have to walk far before he reaches Jongin’s.  Not even bothering to knock, he walks straight inside. He steps into the living room, spotting Jongin’s dad in the couch. 

 

“Oh, Chanyeol! What a pleasant surprise!” he’s shocked, but happy to see him and calls Mrs. Kim. “Chanyeol is here!”

 

“Oh my gosh! It’s been too long since we’ve seen you!” Mrs. Kim tries to give him a hug and notices the dish in his hand. “What are these?” 

 

“It’s only been a couple of weeks, and my dad baked them. Mom told me to bring some,” 

 

“How sweet. Tell her I send my regards,” She turns to take the cookies to the kitchen. As she leaves, Jongin comes downstairs. He’s dressed in sweats and a t-shirt, very different from Chanyeol’s expensive winter coat and jeans. Jongin runs down and puts him in a bone-crushing hug. 

  
“It’s been one day Jongin,” Chanyeol tries to say as Jongin squeezes the air out of his lungs. 

 

“Yeah but school doesn’t count,” Jongin is right. School doesn’t count because both of their personalities are different surrounded by their other friends. So, technically Jongin hasn’t hung out with Chanyeol in a couple of weeks.

 

“Mom says hi and that you need to come over more,” Chanyeol says as he follows Jongin to his room. 

 

“I would if someone invited me,” 

 

“Don’t pull that bullshit, you know you can come over anytime,” 

 

“Yeah, you’re right. Sorry, Loey. To be fair, I thought it was best to leave you alone,”

 

“Why?” Chanyeol looks at him while he takes off his jacket and gloves, putting them on Jongin’s desk. 

 

Jongin shrugs, “I don’t know. It just seemed like you needed time for yourself,”   
  


“That’s dumb,” Chanyeol snorts. However, his gut twists. Was he really that obvious?

 

“I bought Ponyo so we can watch it together. Think of it as an apology.” Jongin smiles as he plops down on the bed. He turns on the large flat screen TV on the opposite wall and presses start on the movie. Reaching into the nightstand, where Chanyeol knows he hides his snacks, he pulls out a bag of chips and Chanyeol’s favorite candy. 

 

“Bribery is unbecoming Jongin,” but Chanyeol knows his heart is already won if the way the taller boy is already lowering himself on the bed is any indication. 

 

“Humor me Chanyeol,” Jongin places the snacks in between them and faces the TV. The windows in the room are covered in thick blinds, blanketing the room in darkness. Soon, both Chanyeol and Jongin are lost in the movie. 

 

About halfway through, Chanyeol’s thoughts drift from the movie to (surprise surprise) Baekhyun. Earlier, Chanyeol went to the clearing to practice his guitar and he swears he saw the other boy. It was only for a second and when Chanyeol blinked he was gone, but he was sure. He couldn’t get Baekhyun’s expression out of his head, it was one Chanyeol has never seen before. Full of pure bliss and heavenly peace. Chanyeol has only seen pain and defeat gracing the petite face. Although it was  only a second, the image is seared into his brain. Showing up in his dreams and thoughts, making him even more confused. Did he imagine it? Was he really that distracted by Baekhyun that he’s hallucinating? Chanyeol furrows his eyebrows and begins falling further into his thoughts. 

 

“What’s wrong?” Jongin asks, not even turning his head. Of course he notices, he notices everything. 

 

“Nothing.”

 

“Stop lying. I can hear your sighs, they’re distracting me.”

 

“Do you still see that one kid?” Jongin turns at that, eyes wide.

 

“What?”

 

“You know that one kid, the one you’re so secretive about all the time?”

 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Jongin turns back to the movie, but he’s fidgeting. Jongin always fidgets when he lies.

 

“Whatever, you don’t have to tell me,” Chanyeol sighs, “Hypothetically if you were to have some sort of mysterious boyfriend or infamous sex partner, can I ask you about it?”

 

“No, because there is no hypothetical boyfriend,”

  
“Please Jongin? I really need some help,” Chanyeol grabs onto the other boy’s hand.

 

“Okay fine. Shoot. This is all hypothetical,”

 

“Yeah, sure. Hypothetical. Anyways, how did you know you liked them?”

 

“Haven’t you ever had a crush?” Jongin looks at him incredulously.

 

“No, what the heck. Crushes are for little girls. I’m too busy for that,” However, Chanyeol does remember his first and only crush. The summer before 7th grade, he spent it away at his Grandparents. The only boy close to his age lived next door and reluctantly Chanyeol became his friend.  He couldn’t explain it but soon Chanyeol noticed he always felt so happy in the other's presence. Just sitting next to each other made his stomach flutter and he found himself always thinking of the boy. It was confusing to say the least. Boys couldn’t like other boys, right? Still, Chanyeol couldn’t help the feeling when their eyes would meet or touches would linger. When he finally got the courage to confess to the other boy, he was met with disgust. The boy yelled at him for being so disgusting and wrong and perverted, he threw things at Chanyeol and called him names. When the boy was done, after explicitly saying he never wanted to see him again, Chanyeol went straight home. Although it felt as though his insides were ripped open, hastily put back in and heart shredded, he never cried. He never shed a tear, putting on a mask of indifference and deciding to never be that vulnerable ever again, no matter what.

 

“Okay whatever,” Jongin interrupts Chanyeol’s thinking, “Somehow, you just know. Like you just feel it in your gut when you see them and suddenly you want to be around them all the time. And you think about that person every moment and when you aren’t with them, you miss them. It’s kind of like have an invisible splinter, sometimes you forget it’s there, but you can always feel it and there’s no way to get it out.”

 

Chanyeol snorts, “How romantic.”

 

“Hey! You asked! Anyways, what brought on this questionnaire hm? Somebody catch little Yeolie’s interest?” Jongin wiggles his eyebrows and throws him a sly grin.

 

“No way, I was just wondering what I should look out for while simultaneously getting you to confirm your secret relationship,” Chanyeol grins and moves to get off the bed, detangling himself from Jongin’s legs. “I have to go, I’ll text you later,”

 

“Let me walk you out,”

 

“No, it’s fine don’t worry. I’ll escort myself,” Chanyeol is almost tripping over himself to get to the door, giving Jongin a quick hug and running out. 

 

When he reaches the safety of his own room, Chanyeol plops down on his bed with the sickening feeling that he is terribly, royally, and irrevocably fucked. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this took me forever to write i have no clue why


	12. Last Meeting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another chapter? thats two in one day, im really trying to update more regularly. This chapter is really short im sorry but it's super cute lol

A couple of weeks have passed since the beginning of Chanyeol’s revelation. Chanyeol prides himself on his intelligence, he is graduating top of his class, after all. He can’t ignore the signs. It makes sense, actually. Chanyeol is always thinking about him and he’s the only person who can get under his skin so easily, always putting him on edge. Is this why Chanyeol hated him in the first place? Why he decided to target him? Or maybe it’s why when Chanyeol’s friends attack Baekhyun after school or in the halls, he can’t bring himself to hurt him. He does partake in the bullying, his friends would catch on if he didn’t, but Chanyeol’s punches are light and his comments don’t carry any weight. Baekhyun notices. Chanyeol feels the inquisitive gaze on his face when he looks away. He can’t hurt Baekhyun, not too bad at least.

 

Even though he’s accepted his sort of feelings for the boy, it doesn’t mean Chanyeol is going to act on them. Liking someone is wasted time and energy, it won’t help him in school or with his friends. It only will make Chanyeol more distracted and he can’t afford that right now. Not if he wants to graduate early. So, Chanyeol will continue pushing the fluttering feelings down with the rest of his emotions and fears. 

 

\------------------------------------

 

It’s the last Astrology meeting before winter break. The students get the week of and the week after Christmas off of school. The students can’t wait; the teachers are slacking in class, and there is a buzz of excitement everyone can’t help but feel in the hallways. Anticipation for a much-needed break. 

 

Baekhyun is less than excited. Holidays mean seeing family, and Baekhyun and his family are not on the best of terms. Nevertheless, it means no school and more importantly, no Chanyeol. He is just confusing Baekhyun lately. The group still continue to terrorize Baekhyun,  there hasn’t been a day he hasn’t had new or old bruises and cuts littering his skin. Daeun’s special healing bandages are running out. Something is off with Chanyeol though. When his friends corner Baekhyun, Chanyeol seems distracted. He never looks Baekhyun in the eye and hits him with an eighth of the force of Kris or Jongdae’s. Although Baekhyun would much prefer not to be hit at all, he’ll take what he can get. Still, it confuses him and he often finds himself looking for the taller boy in the halls or during lunch. Whatever, he’s sure whatever is wrong with Chanyeol will resolve itself by the end of the break. 

 

The club meeting is fairly routine. Most of it is spent cleaning up and planning for the meteor shower in January. Baekhyun is planning to take the whole group to the hill to see it, as a grade and learning opportunity. They shouldn’t need approval from the school, but Baekhyun is planning on asking the head of extracurriculars anyways. 

 

Kyungsoo and Jongin seem to be getting along again, much to Baekhyun’s relief. They’re currently in the corner by the giant solar system model the group made in November, probably bickering. He still doesn’t know how they’re friends and he never brought up the “Nini” incident. It was probably just Baekhyun’s mind tricking him.

 

“Okay guys,” Baekhyun claps his hands together, “The time has come,” A chorus of dissent rings through the room. Astrology club is a huge success, people look forward to coming. New memories have been made and friendships formed. Baekhyun is proud. “Yes, it’s the end of the meeting. Don’t worry, it’s only a couple of weeks. Don’t forget to mark the shower on your calendars. Have a good break, everyone!” Baekhyun dismisses everyone and starts the final tidying up. Kyungsoo usually stays after to help him, but today he has some lunch thing. However, there is one person lingering in the classroom. 

 

“Junmyeon? Can I help you?” Baekhyun tilts his head at the boy.

 

“Um, actually I was gonna ask you a question,” Junmyeon fidgets, scratching the back of his neck. 

 

“Oh! Okay, well what do you need?” Baekhyun awkwardly chuckles. The air is stiff and Baekhyun is trying to calm whatever is making Junmyeon so uncharacteristically nervous. Junmyeon is the senior class president, he sits with the more popular kids at lunch. He’s in some of Baekhyun’s classes but they’ve never interacted until Astronomy. Junmyeon has gone to the same school as Baekhyun since fifth grade, so they’re not strangers, but definitely not friends. 

 

“Well I’ve been thinking about this for awhile,” He laughs at that, Baekhyun just stares, “More than a while actually. Maybe like two years?” Baekhyun is shocked at that, what could possibly be bothering Junmyeon for two years? 

 

“What’s wrong Junmyeon?” 

 

“It’s not really ‘what’s wrong’ Well, I guess it is?” Junmyeon starts mumbling, ears reddening and Baekhyun just wants him to spit it out. 

 

“Junmyeon! Tell me, whatever it is I’m sure it’s not a big deal,” When Baekhyun says that, Junmyeon looks up with a stricken expression. 

 

“No, it is a big deal! It keeps me up at night! I think about you all the time! How can you tell me it’s not a big deal?” Junmyeon declares adamantly, while Baekhyun freezes. 

 

“M-me? You think about me?” Junmyeon blanches.

 

“No! I mean yes! I didn’t mean to say that. Wait yes I did. Yes, I do think about you! And I would just like to know if you, Byun Baekhyun will let me take you out. On a date. With me. Junmyeon.” Baekhyun’s mouth is hanging open like a fish. Junmyeon likes him? That doesn’t make any sense. Junmyeon is popular and handsome, tons of people have crushes on him, and he likes Baekhyun?

 

“Is this a joke?” Baekhyun’s voice is small and unsure, startling Junmyeon. 

 

“No, what of course not,”

 

“Okay, then yes. I will go on a date with you Junmyeon,” Baekhyun’s face is heating up and he can’t help the small smile on his face. 

 

“REALLY!? I mean, really?” Junmyeon is smiling the biggest smile Baekhyun thinks he has ever seen, It causes his stomach to flip. 

 

“Yes.”

 

“Okay good because there is this cafe. It’s super cute and space themed and I know you love space so I think you would like it a lot,” He’s rambling again and Baekhyun places his hand on his shoulder, causing him to trail off. 

 

“I’m sure I will love it. Here, take my number and we can make the plans,” Junmyeon smiles widely again, blush dusting his cheeks and ears. 

 

After they exchange numbers, Junmyeon offers to walk Baekhyun out of the school. They walk towards the parking lot, arms brushing until they have to part. 

 

“Thank you Baekhyun, a lot. I’ll text you later!” Baekhyun waves back and continues walking to his house. He’s smiling when he gets home and a weird feeling spreads across his chest, thinking about his date to come. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's getting close to the like turning point? of the story so stay tuned


	13. Kisses

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ;) this is the cafe i based this on https://www.facebook.com/wandertwinsofficial/photos/pcb.844249779080100/844247929080285/?type=3&theater

 

Baekhyun trudges through two inches of snow, bundled heavily, next to a nervous Junmyeon through the Market Place. Christmas is only two days away, meaning all the shops have extravagant holiday displays in their windows. Baekhyun has to stop and admire all of them. It’s not often he’s in this part of town, normally Baekhyun stays around his dilapidated neighborhood. He only visits the expensive market lanes with Kyungsoo, although he and Kyungsoo haven’t been doing much of anything lately. 

 

For some reason, all of the people in his life are acting strangely. Kyungsoo has messaged him once during the whole break so far, only asking to make sure he got home from school without any Chanyeol-related mishaps on Friday. Christmas is on Thursday meaning Kyungsoo hasn’t spoken to him in three whole days. It may not seem like a lot, but to Baekhyun it feels like a year. He could feel the doubt in the back of his mind, poking and prodding at his consciousness. Did Kyungsoo finally realize how much better he is than Baekhyun? No. As much as Baekhyun believes Kyungsoo is better, he could never believe Soo was leaving him. Something must be bothering him.  

 

A tentative hand pulls Baekhyun out of his thinking. He looks down and sees Junmyeon’s gloved fingers lightly wrapped around his wrist, only then does he realize he’s been staring at the same window for much longer than he should have been.

 

Junmyeon lightly tugs him forward, closer to the cafe, “Are you okay?”

 

Baekhyun shakes his head, clearing his thoughts away, “Yes of course, sorry. I just zoned out.”

 

“The cafe is right up the street, we’re almost there don’t worry.” Baekhyun realizes the hand is still wrapped around his wrist. It’s light and unsure, but somehow Baekhyun can still feel it through his thick layers. The touch burns his wrist and makes his face heat up. Junmyeon looks where Baekhyun is still staring and hastily pulls his hand away, coughing into his hand to cover his flush. 

 

They reach the cafe and it’s everything Baekhyun could have hoped for. Paint covers the walls, top to bottom. A large galaxy mural is painted on the ceiling, so realistic it steals Baekhyun’s breath away. The black tables lay close to the floor and the pillows they’re supposed to sit on are a blue marble. Seating areas are separated by blue fences on both the top and bottom floor. Each area has a different space alien painted on the wall behind it. Fairy lights shine in rows along the fences and ceiling and above the order station are large, industrial-style lightbulbs. Even the menus have space-themed drinks and pastries. It looks like those places girls in his class would go to just to take pictures to post on Instagram. 

 

The two boys order their drinks and treats and go to sit down in the back, away from prying eyes. 

 

“Woah this place is really amazing, how did you find it?” Baekhyun asks he didn’t even think Junmyeon was that into space.

 

“I was going to the new bookstore next door and came across it,” He blushes suddenly and continues, “I saw it and immediately thought of you. I promised myself that if I ever got the courage to ask you out, I would take you here.” Junmyeon takes a sip of his drink, trying to avoid eye contact with Baekhyun.

 

The weird fluttering feeling is back and Baekhyun blushes for the thirtieth time since he went on this date. 

 

“I’m really happy you brought me here,” He adds shyly after a second of silence. 

 

Junmyeon looks up, eyes round, “I’m really happy you agreed. I still can’t believe I’m on an actual date with THE Byun Baekhyun. All my friends told me I would have no shot with you.”

 

“What?” Baekhyun is confused. Junmyeon’s friends said he wouldn’t have a chance with him? That’s crazy? Do they not see how amazing Junmyeon is compared to him?

 

“Yeah, they all said you were way out of my league and I should just resign myself to a life of loneliness and misery, but look at me now.” He smiles and Baekhyun is only pushed farther into confusion. 

 

“That doesn’t make any sense. I’m just Baekhyun, why would anyone want to go on a date with me?” Junmyeon snorts into his drink, causing warm chocolate liquid to spill all over the table. 

 

“Oh my God, I’m so sorry,” Baekhyun shrugs and gives him some napkins to clean it up. “Are you serious though? I mean tons of people are always trying to get your attention. Everyone just assumes you’re against dating or something because of how many times you’ve rejected someone.”

 

“I’ve never rejected anyone!” The shorter boy sputters indignantly, “You’re the first person to ever ask me out!”   
  


“Jennie literally asked you two weeks ago, that’s what actually gave me the courage to ask you. Jennie knows that I liked you and still tried, that meant I had a short window to shoot my shot until you were snatched up by someone else.” Jennie from his science class? He doesn’t like her and he certainly doesn’t think she likes him. He thinks back to two weeks ago. No one had asked him out, he is sure he would remember that.

 

Jennie was his lab partner for a gel electrophoresis lab, he remembers him doing most of the work. She mostly just sat and watched him with the pipet, occasionally handing him what he needed. She asked him after class if he wanted to go to lunch after school. He just assumed she felt bad for not helping with the lab and declined, not wanting to be a bother. Now that Baekhyun started thinking about it, this happened quite often. Sometimes a classmate or even a random stranger would ask him for help carrying their stuff to class and then ask him to hang out, or simply walking up and offering to go shopping or to some food place. Baekhyun always assumes they’re asking out of pity or to pay him back for his help. He never thought they actually want to hang out with him or that they were asking him out.

 

“S-She was trying to get me on a date?” Baekhyun stutters. 

 

Junmyeon stares, “Yeah of course. Wait, you didn’t know?” Baekhyun shakes his head. “Well, then I’m glad I spelled it out for you. Just to make sure, you know this is a date right?” Junmyeon laughs at the end of the question, but Baekhyun can hear the uncertainty laced in his voice. 

 

“Yes, I do know that this is a date,” He gestures to the air around them and laughs.

 

“Okay well, at least you’re not as much as an idiot as I thought,” 

 

“Hey! From what you’ve told me, I’m the best you’re ever gonna get,” Baekhyun crosses his arms and pouts his lips. Junmyeon stares adoringly and is silent for a moment. 

 

“Yeah, you’re the best I’m ever gonna get.”

 

\----------------------------------

 

Walking to the car is dark and freezing, night has come and dropped the temperature ten degrees. They finally reach it and Baekhyun scrambles in, lips blue and teeth chattering. Junmyeon immediately turns on the heat and hands Baekhyun his jacket.

 

“No, it’s okay! I’m fine,” he tries pushing it back onto Junmyeon’s lap, only to have it shoved back into his face.

 

“Baekhyun. You weigh like two pounds, take the damn jacket,” Face heating, Baekhyun takes the jacket. The drive home is short and soon they’re pulling into Baekhyun’s driveway. 

 

“This is it. Thanks so much for taking me to the cafe,”

 

“No problem, I’m really happy you came,” Junmyeon stares a little breathlessly at Baekhyun. The street lights are illuminating him from behind, creating a golden halo of light. His cheeks are flushed from the cold and his lips are soft from the chapstick Baekhyun just applied. At this moment, Junmyeon swears he has never seen anything else as beautiful. 

 

Baekhyun stares at him unsure what to do, but wanting to stay just a bit longer. His eyes flick down to Junmyeon’s lips for only a second before returning to his eyes. Junmyeon catches it and subconsciously licks his own lips, causing Baekhyun’s eyes to return. The air is stuffy from the heat and the tension. Baekhyun leans in just a second, before pecking Junmyeon on the cheek. 

 

Before Baekhyun can bolt out of the car and into his house, Junmyeon grabs onto the lapel of his jacket. 

 

“You’re still wearing my jacket,” He whispers, barely audible in fear of breaking this bubble of serenity formed around the two boys. 

 

Baekhyun whispers just as quietly, “Oh sorry, I’ll just take it off.” However, neither boy moves a muscle, worried that whatever is happening might end too soon. Junmyeon pulls Baekhyun closer by the jacket until he can feel Baekhyun’s breath on his lips. He searches the smaller boy’s face, looking for any kind of discomfort. Instead of finding it, Baekhyun gives a slight nod of his head and leans in the rest of the way. 

 

Junmyeon’s lips are so incredibly soft. When Baekhyun repositions his head, the other boy deepens the kiss, causing him to sigh. Junmyeon takes the opportunity to slip his tongue into his mouth. Baekhyun can taste the chocolate drinks they had just had and lets out a soft moan. He grabs onto Junmyeon’s neck with two hands, pulling him impossibly closer. The kiss turns sloppy and fast. The only sounds in the car are their kisses, heavy breathing, and hands grasping for anything to hold onto. Soon, the boys run out of oxygen. Pulling apart, a thin line of spit falls down Junmyeon’s chin. They immediately turn forward, faces red and both gasping for air.

 

“I’m going to go inside now.” He says, voice cracking a little. Baekhyun is hoping Junmyeon isn’t regretting it already, it is his first kiss after all. 

 

Junmyeon looks for a second before getting shy, “Okay, Goodnight Baekhyun,” he’s smiling and it eases Baekhyun’s fears. 

 

“Goodnight Junmyeon.”

 

\-----------------------------

 

Baekhyun closes his bedroom door and begins squealing. He had his first kiss! Byun Baekhyun had his first kiss! It was with someone like Junmyeon too! Baekhyun starts jumping around his room, trying and failing to keep quiet. He doesn’t know what he was expecting, fireworks? Sparks? Baekhyun didn’t feel any of that, but it was still better than anything he could ever imagine. He still can’t believe it. Baekhyun never thought anyone would like him enough to kiss him, but they did! Maybe Baekhyun isn’t as average as he once thought. His phone pings, indicating a new text and pulling him out of his euphoria.

 

Junmyeon:

            I made it home :)

:Baekhyun

Oh good I was worried I dazed you  with my amazing kissing skills 

Junmyeon:

            Hold up  you could use some practice 

Baekhyun:

Can you really tell it was  my first kiss?

Junmyeon:

           No im just joking b ut i mean we can always practice ;)

            i dont mind

 

Baekhyun: 

Go to bed

 

Baekhyun smiles at his phone and wishes sadly he had someone to text about this. If only Kyungsoo would just talk to him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS THE ONLY IN DEPTH CHAPTER YOU ARE GONNA GET FOR THESE TWO SO ENJOY IT, we still have a long way to go so depending on how i feel or the feedback i might do another one


	14. Worth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning: There is descriptions of a panic attack in this chapter and verbal abuse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another baek chapter but i promise chanyeol is coming soon

The smell of pancakes and a small knock on his bedroom door wakes Baekhyun up on Christmas Eve. Daeun’s small voice filters through the wood, letting him know he’s not getting any pancakes if he’s not downstairs in two minutes. 

 

With a groan Baekhyun gets out of his warm bed, putting on his favorite green sweater and house slippers. Every Christmas eve, Baekhyun’s mom makes pancakes. He enjoys it because they can all sit down and be a traditional family. 

 

“Rise and shine sleeping beauty,” Baekhyun’s mom is flipping pancakes on the stove with her hair in a tight bun. “There is some on the table for you,”

 

“Thanks, mom,” He sits down next to Daeun and starts placing pancakes on his plate. Daeun has syrup all over her hands and face, getting everything sticky. “Wipe your hands,” He hands her a napkin and watches her manage to smear the sticky substance even more. 

 

“You’re not Sleeping Beauty. You’re not a girl,” She looks at Baekhyun with quizzical eyes. 

 

“He acts like it sometimes,” His mom side-eyes him as she sits at the table. 

 

“You’re right. He kinda does,” Daeun giggles and takes another bite.

 

“What!? That doesn’t make sense,” Baekhyun pouts.

 

“Yes, you do!” Daeun tries to say through a mouthful of food, “You cry watching Lion King and you like boys!” 

 

“Everyone cries in Lion King plus anyone can like anyone. That doesn’t make me a girl.”

 

When Baekhyun told his family about his orientation, it was challenging at first. He remembers telling his sister in the midst of playing Barbies. Daeun was trying to a Barbie doll to marry her favorite Ken doll, but Baekhyun’s mom had thrown it away accidentally. 

 

“Maybe Ken can marry another boy doll?” Baekhyun asks.

 

“No. Only girls can marry boys.” Daeun replies matter-of-factly.

 

“Anybody can love anybody.”

 

“Well, duh. But guys can’t marry guys. People say its bad and only bad people do that.” Baekhyun blanches at that. Almost deciding not to tell Daeun anymore, he doesn’t want his sister to think he’s a bad person. However, he has to do this. Baekhyun trusts his sister enough to love him unconditionally.

 

“If I liked boys, would I be a bad person then.” Daeun pauses for a second, thinking.

 

“No, you’re my best friend. You could never be bad.” Baekhyun smiles.

 

“Okay, well I do like boys. I think I’m gonna marry one.” Baekhyun feels his heart beating fast against his ribs. 

 

“Oh. Okay well, then you can be him,” Daeun gives Baekhyun the Ken doll, “And he can marry him!” She hands Baekhyun another boy doll with brown fluffy hair. 

 

“Okay, let's have them get married,” Baekhyun says with a smile.

 

His mother was another story. She had cried and cried, bemoaning the fact her son will never live the life she wanted. She called him names and threw a vase. Baekhyun silently sobbed and pleaded with her to please, please try to accept him. Please try to love him no differently, and proudly show him as her son. 

 

There was two weeks of radio silence. His mother avoided Baekhyun at all costs, unable to look at him without breaking down into tears. Baekhyun never slept, he spent most of his time crying and wishing he never told her. All he wanted was for things to go back to normal, to have his mother back. Daeun didn’t know why her brother and mother were fighting and why they were crying all the time. It was two weeks full of tension. 

 

One night his mother called him out to the dining room. Baekhyun hadn’t eaten in two days and hadn’t slept in just as many. The circles under his eyes were black and his cheeks were sunken. His mom stood up as soon as he came in, it was the first time they had seen each other in a week. She walked slowly, her steps sounding in the completely silent room. Tears were rolling down her cheeks and onto her neck. Baekhyun prepared himself to be let down. She shakingly reached towards his face and placed her small hand on his pale skin. 

 

“Oh Baekhyun,” Baekhyun closed his eyes waiting for the response he knew was coming,  “What did I do to you?” His mother whispered, almost too quiet to hear. Baekhyun snapped open his eyes and his lifeless pools of brown met hers. “I am sorry. So, so sorry.” She cupped Baekhyun’s face in her hands and placed soft kisses where his tears had fallen without permission. 

 

They stood crying and holding each other, muttering apologies and words of love. At that moment Baekhyun knew he could deal with anything. Since then, his mother hasn’t completely accepted him, but she understands it is not his choice. Things have returned to normal, or as normal as can ever be possible. 

 

\----------------------------------

 

“I’m going over to Minseok’s to exchange gifts later,” Baekhyun tells his mother as they put away their pancake plates. 

 

“Okay, don’t come home too late. Don’t forget your brother is coming today.”

 

“Hence why I’m leaving,” Baekhyun turns to walk out of the kitchen and gather the gifts he has for his friends. 

 

“He loves you Baekhyun. He just has a rather...different way of showing it.” His mother calls after him as he walks away. 

 

Baekhyun huffs, “Different. Yeah sure that’s what you call it.” He reaches his room and collects all of the gifts for his friends. Putting on his winter jacket, Baekhyun leaves the house.

 

He’s greeted at Minseok’s house by warm hugs and the smell of apple cinnamon candles. All of his bruises have faded, so for a moment, all the boys can forget about school and Baekhyun’s hurt. Kyungsoo is there, there are dark bags under his eyes and he seems stressed. Baekhyun goes up to him and pulls Kyungsoo to his chest. They stand for a while, breathing in each other’s familiar scent until Minseok and Yixing start hollering at them. With smiles on their faces, Baekhyun grabs Kyungsoo’s arm and pulls him onto the seat next to him. 

 

After all the gifts are exchanged, Baekhyun got new astrology books and a myriad of other funny or useful objects, they all talk about their break. 

 

“So,” Minseok starts with a mischievous glint in his eye that only means trouble, “I heard our little Hyunnie went on a date with Junmyeon.”

 

“What? Why didn’t you tell me?” Kyungsoo exclaims. 

 

“Sorry,” Baekhyun looks sheepishly, “I didn’t want to bother you.”

 

“Tell us what happened Hyun,” Yixing pleads. 

 

“Um, he took me to this cafe and then we maybe, kind of, kissedinhiscar,”m Baekhyun whispers the last part hurriedly.   
  


Minseok grins, “Sorry what was that? I couldn’t hear.”

 

“We kinda kissed in his car,” Baekhyun flushes all the way to his hair and looks down at his lap. Around him all three boys are hollering like little school girls. Minseok runs over and squishes Baekhyun into his arms. 

 

“AW MY LITTLE HYUNNIE ALL GROWN UP!” He yells.

 

“Stop it Seok! It was just a kiss!” Baekhyun pleads. 

 

“Well, do you like him?” Yixing asks excitedly. 

 

Baekhyun blushes again, “Maybe a little bit.” Everyone cheers, effectively embarrassing the small boy.

 

“Now that you’ve officially become a man, there’s a New Years party at Jooheon’s if we want to go,” 

 

“I’m down!” Yixing raises his hand in the air, “Nothing like getting drunk with a bunch of pheromone-induced teenagers, trying to find any way to relieve their sexual frustrations.” Minseok high-fives the raised hand and turns to  Kyungsoo and Baekhyun. 

 

“I’ll go if Baekhyun goes,” Kyungsoo says as he gauges Baekhyun’s reaction. Baekhyun knows that Kyungsoo is twisting his arm. If Baekhyun says no, he will have to deal with Minseok’s whining. However, if Baekhyun chooses to go, Kyungsoo is promising not to leave his side. 

 

“Fine. I’ll go.” Minseok begins screeching again and Baekhyun can’t help but smile at his friend’s happiness. 

 

\-----------------------------

 

Baekhyun returns to his house late at night after staying to watch a few Christmas movies with the boys. As he walks past his brother’s room, the door is cracked open, meaning his brother is home. Baekhyun tiptoes across the floors, holding his breath. Once he’s in bed, Baekhyun prays for the Lord to give him strength for the day to come. 

 

Daeun’s excited whispering wakes him up in the morning.

 

“Baekkie! Santa came! Come look!” She sprints out of the door, straight to the living room where a small pile of presents sits. His brother, Donghyun, sits on the couch with his back straight. His mother sleepily walks in and Daeun takes it as a sign to rip into the carefully wrapped parcels. Most of the presents are for Daeun, but the rest of the family get at least two. Baekhyun gets one from his brother, unexpectedly. He opens it slowly to reveal a silver bracelet with his name engraved on the front and little star engravings on both sides. Baekhyun’s eyes start to tear up, his brother hasn’t gotten him a gift in forever and it makes his hands shake. 

 

“Thank you Donghyun,” Baekhyun croaks, trying to control his emotions. 

 

“Yep,” Donghyun replies gruffly, not looking at him. The rest of the morning goes by smoothly. All of them talk and laugh like they’re a perfectly happy family. 

 

Daeun gets a new bike from Santa and pleads with Baekhyun to take her out front to ride it. Baekhyun obliges and follows her to the front sidewalk. While she’s riding, Baekhyun gets a Christmas text from Minseok. He checks to look at it, taking his eyes off of Daeun for merely a second. Daeun’s bike gets stuck on a rock and she loses control of the handlebars, causing her to crash onto the hard pavement. Baekhyun hears her sharp cry of pain and runs towards her faster than he’s ever run before. Daeun is under her bike, arm twisted at an unnatural angle. She’s crying his name and one of her Totoro shoes is two feet away from her, knocked off from the fall. 

 

Baekhyun panics and scoops her up in his arms, rushing her into the house. His mother and brother come running in a panicked frenzy. 

 

“What happened?” Baekhyun’s mother hurriedly asks. Daeun is still crying, refusing to move her obviously shattered arm.

 

“S-She was riding her new bike and I looked away for a second and she was-”

 

‘You were supposed to be watching her!” Donghyun yells. His booming voice scares Baekhyun, causing his eyes to open wide in panic. 

 

‘I-I was I just-”

 

“YOU JUST WHAT? Didn’t care? Thought your business was more important than your sister!?”

 

“No! Of course not! I looked away for a second I swear! I’m sor-”

 

“You’re sorry?” Donghyun laughs a mean and cynical laugh, “Your sorries don’t mean shit to me Baekhyun. How many more times is your selfishness going to hurt someone else? How many more times are people going to pay for your mistakes?” Donghyun is screaming now, face red and fists clenched. 

 

Baekhyun is staring at the floor, hot tears falling. He didn’t mean for this to happen. It’s all his fault. 

 

Donghyun steps closer and continues to yell, “It’s your fault again Baekhyun! How can you be so reckless? If it wasn’t for you Daeun would have been fine! Hell, if it wasn’t for you our fucking family wouldn’t have been broken apart!” 

 

Baekhyun can feel his scarred side start to flare up in pain and his sobs are becoming uncontrollable. 

 

“And look at you! Crying like a worthless child. Daeun is hurt and all you can think of is yourself AGAIN!” 

 

Baekhyun’s vision begins to fog, all he can hear is distant screaming and Daeun’s pained cries. 

 

“You will never be anything Baekhyun. You’re worthless. You mean nothing to me.” Donghyun stops yelling. “Our family would be better without you,” he says the last part quietly and walks out the front door with the rest of Baekhyun’s family, leaving him behind. 

 

Baekhyun’s legs give out and he starts screaming. He screams and cries and pounds his fists into the hard floor until his vocal cords go out. Donghyun is right. They would all be better without him. Everything is his fault. He’s so selfish. Baekhyun gets up and slowly stumbles to his room. His cries can be heard throughout the house. They’re full of anguish and grief. Baekhyun feels so much at that moment. It’s too much at once, he feels himself losing control. When he gets to his room, he falls back onto the floor. He can’t get enough air through his sobs. All of a sudden, Baekhyun is suffocating. He’s clawing at his neck, hard enough that his nails break the skin. He can’t breathe. The room is spinning. He’s nothing. Worthless. Why can’t he stop crying? He can’t breathe. Nothing is working. He’s going to die. Maybe it’s better. He can’t breathe. He’s still crying. He’s under the car. He feels the heat from the explosion. He can feel the flames licking up his side, eating away at his flesh. He can hear someone screaming. Is it him? 

 

Baekhyun slowly feels the room coming back into focus. He feels the floor under his fingers and can hear his clock slowly ticking. He focuses his ears on the sound, grounding him and calming his breathing. He can smell his lavender air freshener and can see the glow-in-the-dark stars pasted on his ceiling. Baekhyun feels his breathing slow. His side is throbbing but he ignores it, laying on the floor and praying to God for help. But God stopped listening to Baekhyun when his father died. All Baekhyun can do is pray to the silence. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes, i know baekhyun has a brother named baekbeom. I do not want to use his actual family in this as i feel uncomfortable writing about his family. plus i knew his brother is a dick in this fic and i don't want to write baekbeom that way so i made an OC. These charcters dont reflect Baekhyun or chanyeol or anyone at all, this is purely for fun. please don't get upset by anything i may write in this fic


	15. Party

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is super short and fluff-like im sorry for not updating in so long, ive been so unmotivated. But i am feeling it ONCE AGAIN. Ill have another chapter up tmrw because it's almost done but im too tired to finish and edit it tonight

Christmas went smoothly for Chanyeol. His parents surprised him with a myriad of gifts and they had invited Jongin’s family over, making it truly a night filled with laughter and joy. Christmas is for the family. However, New Years is a different story. 

 

Chanyeol’s parents know that New Years is his night to hang out with his friends, or more realistically, get smashed and smash. It’s a ritual of sorts. The amount of shots and how hot his “companion” is, foreshadows his whole year. 

 

Jongin brought up many prospective candidates for Chanyeol’s night of all nights. After thorough thought and deliberation (basically who was more likely to have good alcohol), they decided to go to Jooheon’s. Jooheon is rich and always is the most honorable host, but he rarely throws parties anymore since someone threw up in his pool and crashed into his living room. It’s like fate is pulling Chanyeol to that party, honestly, there is no competition.

 

“Do you know who is gonna be there?” Chanyeol had asked when Jongin first told him about the party. 

 

“Seriously,” Jongin gives him an incredulous look, “You know the number of people Jooheon says will be there is three times less than the number of people actually going.”

 

“Yeah, but like anyone I care about?” 

 

Jongin sighs, “Um the whole gang will be there plus whatever man candy Jongdae is seeing right now.”

 

“So You, Jongdae, Sehun, Kris, and me?” Chanyeol asks hesitantly. 

 

“Yes and dude what is your problem with Kris?” 

 

Chanyeol sputters, “I- I don’t have a problem with Kris! How could you even- what does that- YOU have a problem with Kris.” 

 

“Yes I do actually, maybe it’s because I don’t like egotistical dicks who are used to getting everything they want. But I mean, I’m friends with you so, (“Shut up you love me”) what I really want to know is what YOUR deal with Kris is.”

 

“I don't know? Bad blood?”

 

“You guys barely dated, everyone is over it. Except for you apparently.”

 

“He gives me weird vibes Jongin. I just don’t like being alone with him.” Chanyeol grows quiet and Jongin knows to back off and that he has his own personal reasons for not wanting to be in Kris’ space. 

 

“Okay, I won’t leave you.”

 

\--------------------------------------------

 

Baekhyun has spent approximately two hours debating what to wear to this party. He honestly doesn’t even know how Minseok got him into the party. It has something to do with sucking someone's dick in a truck or something like that. Baekhyun doesn’t want to know. 

 

The boys are supposed to be over in twenty minutes to pre-game and go to Jooheon’s house. Yixing has gratefully decided to be the DD, still traumatized from the last time he drunk and woke up in a compromising position in Minseok’s bed. 

 

Everything Baekhyun tries on just feels so, “Ugh.” Or it makes him look chubby or too skinny or too lanky or- that point is, nothing is working. He is just not going to go. Baekhyun is just gonna stay home and sulk alone. Suddenly the doorbell rings. 

 

“WERE COMING IN!” Minseok yells as he lets himself into the house, along with the other boys. Baekhyun hears them make it to his room and had .1 second until all of them piled into the room. He gives each of them a quick hug until he reaches someone new. 

 

“This is Chittaphon. He got into a fight with his boyfriend Johnny and needs some help making him jealous.” 

 

“Uh hello Chittaphon,” Baekhyun weakly greets the smaller, leaner, and attractive black haired boy. 

 

“Just call me Ten,” he says and his voice is higher than what Baekhyun thought it would be.

 

“Okay, well sorry you all made the trip because I am not going.” Baekhyun sighs and dramatically falls onto his bed. 

 

“Well, you see here Hyun, I thought you might say that. So, I brought somethings with me,” Something about Minseok’s smile makes Baekhyun think he will not like whatever he brought. 

 

45 minutes later and Baekhyun believes his assumption was correct. He’s dressed in the tightest ripped black jeans known to man and in a silver mesh shirt that just barely leaves anything to the imagination. Ten did his makeup too so, black liner is smoked out around his eyes, highlight is popped on his cheekbones along with bronzer to compliment it. Finally, a clear gloss with silver sparkles is put on his lips, completing the look. 

 

“I look ridiculous,” Baekhyun says when he looks in the mirror. 

 

“You look hot, like seriously I would bang you. If I didn’t already have a boyfriend.” Ten chimes. “Honestly that shirt is amazing, what was your inspiration for tonights look Minseok?” 

 

“I was hoping for dramatic twink meets punk, but I think I only successfully carried out the twink part,” Minseok says thoughtfully, “Oh well! There is always next time!”

 

“There will never be the next time, now let’s go before we’re late.” Baekhyun grabs Kyungsoo and leads him to the kitchen. 

 

From behind him Minseok chuckles patronizingly, “Oh my dear, dear boy, there is no such thing as being late to a party.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ill update tmrw i promise i wont just leave you this


	16. New Years

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING!! IMPORTANT READ BELOW
> 
> please read the updated tags as there could be some triggering material in this chapter. Since, some of the events of this chapter are important ive marked the begininng and and end of the event that could possibly trigger someone with *** .
> 
> please read the end of the notes for a brief recap of what happened if you do not want to read it.

 

Chanyeol is drunk. He’s stumbling over his words and tripping over nothing. Everything is slightly off-center, he grabs Jongin to steady himself. 

 

“Wh-what time is it?” He grumbles.

 

“It’s like 11. Jeez how much have you drunk? We got here an hour ago!”

 

“An hour is a long time to drink Jongin,” Chanyeol is looking down at him with hooded eyes. “I need to start looking for tonight’s entertainment.”

 

“Oh my God, okay. Go find them then. Stay where I can see you until you’re fully sure of who you’ve chosen.” Jongin shakes his head and lets Chanyeol roam. 

 

Chanyeol goes to the corner of a spacious living room, filled with lavish furniture.  He spots a cute brunette standing alone with their back turned to him. They're small and from their outfit, hot. Chanyeol immediately looks down to their ass and is very surely, not disappointed. That’s it. He’s decided. Chanyeol starts to move towards them and taps them on their shoulder.

 

“Hey, I’m-”

 

“Chanyeol?” Oh shit. What Chanyeol did not expect was for Baekhyun to be standing in front of him. “What do you want?” Baekhyun sounds bored, but Chanyeol can’t move. 

 

Baekhyun looks stunning. The full force of Chanyeol’s little crush comes returning at full force. Baekhyun’s eyes are intoxicating and his skin perfect, His outfit is driving Chanyeol crazy. Whoever put Baekhyun in those pants deserves a medal because he can see every dip and curve of his small body. Chanyeol’s brain short circuits, he feels such a strong amount of lust it shocks him. He hasn’t felt like this in so long, it’s addicting and he needs more. 

 

“Hey Baekhyun, you look nice this evening,” Chanyeol says, as nonchalantly as possible. His heart is secretly beating out of his chest and he hopes Baekhyun didn’t notice his pause. 

 

“Okaay? Seriously, what do you want?” Baekhyun grips his drink a little tighter. Even though he’s pretending to be tough, Baekhyun is actually scared of Chanyeol. Although, he’s not with his friends, so there is at least a small chance of him just leaving Baekhyun alone.

 

“Just you,” Putting on his most charming smile, Chanyeol slowly corners Baekhyun into the corner. “You look really good Baekhyun, seriously.” Chanyeol can’t contain himself. He wants to touch Baekhyun, he needs to. He reaches out and places his large hand on Baekhyun’s arm, feeling a weight in his stomach when he feels Baekhyun flinch slightly. “Calm down, I won’t hurt you. Unless you ask that is.”

 

“Leave me alone Chanyeol, I’m not in the mood to deal with your bullshit.”

 

“So, you do have a voice! I was starting to think you liked getting pushed around!”

 

“Just because I don’t hurt people doesn’t mean I won’t say anything to you,” Baekhyun bites.

 

“Well, I am sure we can put your voice to better use.” Chanyeol inches closer to Baekhyun. Secretly, he feels wrong. He shouldn’t be saying these things to Baekhyun. Baekhyun needs to be given roses and left notes, all that cheesy shit. Chanyeol wants to give him all that cheesy shit, but he can’t. It’s not possible. So, he gets even closer to the small boy. He sees Baekhyun’s eyes grow wider and he can feel his breath on his face. So close, Chanyeol is so close to finally having what he wants. 

 

“I said get away!” Baekhyun pushes Chanyeol off of him and runs back into the crowd. Chanyeol is left stunned. No one has ever rejected him before. It surprisingly hurts. Why does Baekhyun think he’s better than him? He’s not! He’s just some stupid boy Chanyeol may or may not want to kiss. Nobody rejects him! He’s fucking Park Chanyeol for fuck sake. Frustrated, Chanyeol leaves to get another drink and another person to fill his desires.

 

\--------------------------

 

It’s nearing midnight and Chanyeol is even more drunk, if that is even possible. He found a cute girl, who eagerly accepted his request to stay with him tonight. If he squints, she kind of looks like Baekhyun. Wait, Chanyeol shouldn’t be thinking that. People are crowded out in the backyard, waiting for midnight to hit and the fireworks to be set off. Soon, people are starting to count down. 

 

“Ten!” 

 

Wait is that Baekhyun?

 

“Nine”

 

What is he doing?

 

“Eight!” 

 

Who is he with? Chanyeol can’t see through the throngs of people.

 

“Seven!”

 

Why is he smiling?

 

“Six!” 

 

Why is he getting closer to that boy?

 

“Five”

 

Is that Junmyeon? Since when were they friends?

 

“Four!” 

 

Wait, Baekhyun needs to stop touching him.

 

“Three!”

 

Their eyes are closed, no stop why are they doing that?

 

“Two!” 

 

They’re going to kiss and Chanyeol is going to see it. He has to stop them.

 

“ONE!”

 

Chanyeol is so distracted by the image of Baekhyun pressing his lips to Junmyeon’s, he barely registers the girl's on his. As soon as it’s over, Chanyeol rushes to where he saw them, but they've already left. Left to do what? He doesn’t want to know. A sickening feeling lodges itself in his throat. So Baekhyun won’t kiss him but he’ll kiss Junmyeon? He’s angry and embarrassed. Baekhyun made a fool out of him. He needs to get out of here. 

Chanyeol runs back into the house and into the nearest room he sees. It’s some kind of guest room, decked out just as richly as the rest of the house. He sits down on the bed and collects himself. He doesn’t care, not at all. It’s just the alcohol. Suddenly, Chanyeol hears a sharp knock and Kris walks in. 

 

“Hey Channie. What’s wrong?” 

 

“I told you not to call me that.” Chanyeol responds not moving, despite the drastic change of the air in the room. 

 

“Aw come on. We’re buds! Used to be more than that, but you ended that real quick didn’t you. It’s a shame you did though. We could’ve had a lot of fun.” Kris responds with a smirk.

 

“You know I didn’t like you like that Kris, I was just confused and you were there,” Chanyeol responds suddenly feeling a thousand times smaller. 

 

“Yeah, I know. Here have a drink.” Kris extends his hand with a red plastic cup filled with some kind of red liquid, “Take it. It will make you feel better, Jooheon’s mom made it. Without the alcohol of course.”

 

***

 

“I don’t know, I shouldn’t. I’ve already drunk enou-” Chanyeol tries to say, but is cut off. 

 

“Take it Chanyeol.” The thing with Kris is he always gets what he wants. He has a look that says “You can either give it or he can take it.” Maybe, that is why Chanyeol takes the drink even though he knows its risky to drink with Kris. He knows the rumors, but Kris is his friend right? 

 

Chanyeol takes a sip of his drink, but Kris stares until he drinks almost half. 

 

“There you go. Now scoot over, so we can talk.” Chanyeol doesn’t want to talk, he wants to leave. He doesn’t want to be with Kris, in this small room with the door locked. Wait, why did he lock it? That’s weird. “Hey, you okay Chanyeol?”

 

“Yeah, I’m just super drunk. I told you I had already had enough.” Chanyeol tries to stand but almost falls. Why is the room moving? He didn’t think he drank that much. Chanyeol can barely think and immediately falls back onto the bed. 

 

“You don’t look okay,” Kris says and he’s right. Chanyeol is not okay. He wants to go home right now. 

 

“Kris, I have to go. I told Jongin I would stay at his house.” Which isn’t a lie, he and Jongin are supposed to go home together. 

 

“Oh, but I told Jongin you already went home.” What? Why would he tell him that? What’s happening? Chanyeol needs to leave now. “Channie-”

 

“I said- I said don’t call me that,” Chanyeol is seriously feeling light headed. His body is so heavy. 

 

“Channie,” Kris growls this time and grabs Chanyeol’s arm, “We really could have had so much fun. Why did you have to leave?” Kris smiles a sharp grin, disgusting and eerie. Chanyeol reaches to peel the skeletal fingers off his shoulder, but Kris only grabs tighter. 

 

Suddenly, Kris is pushing Chanyeol’s back onto the bed and jumps on top of him, kissing him hungrily. Chanyeol is frozen for a few seconds and his intoxicated mind makes it hard for him to realize what’s happening. After recovering from his shock, Chanyeol opens his mouth to protest against him. Kris takes that as an opportunity to stick his tongue inside, invading his mouth. Kris’ tongue is wet and slimy, it makes Chanyeol want to gag. He does the first thing he can think of.

 

He bites down. Hard. He doesn’t bite it off even though- God, he wants to. But, he does taste metallic blood as his teeth sink into the offending muscle. 

 

Kris groans in pain and immediately punches Chanyeol in the temple. Chanyeol blacks out for a second and moans as the punch spreads out across his face. 

 

“Don’t do that you fucking brat,” Kris pins down Chanyeol’s arms as he struggles to get away. “Do you think you can get away with being all high and mighty without retribution? Consider this your payment to society.” Blood is dripping down his mouth and onto Chanyeol and Kris is  _ angry.  _

 

“What the fuck is wrong with you!?” Chanyeol yells, he thrashes around, trying to get any leverage on him. Somehow, Kris is stronger than him and Chanyeol understands what’s happening. 

 

_ No no no no no. Please no. _

 

“But yes Chanyeol! You’ve embarrassed me and spread lies, saying you broke up with me!” What? Is Kris delusional?

 

“I did break up with you, you fucking creep!” Chanyeol screams and tries again to get free, but to no avail. His hands are going numb from the pressure on his wrists.  

 

Suddenly, Kris lets go with one hand and flips him over. Face down, he feels a bony finger trail down his side and hooks under his t-shirt. Before he knows what’s going on, Chanyeol’s shirt is thrown across the room. 

 

“I’m sorry Kris, please stop.” Chanyeol is begging now, terrified as he feels the hand dip into his pants. “I’m sorry I lied or I embarrassed you or whatever. Just please stop and I’ll leave, I won’t tell anyone about this. Please Kris,” He’s saying anything to just try and get him to go. 

 

Kris laughs and squeezes his hand on Chanyeol’s ass, “I don’t want your apology, I just want you Channie,” It’s the use of his nickname-the one his mom came up with, the one that previously meant love and endearment, but now as mockery- that causes Chanyeol to accept what is going to happen. 

 

Kris has always been a creep, but this, this is too much. This doesn’t happen in real life. This doesn’t happen to him. 

 

Only it does and it’s happening right now. And when Chanyeol hears the unistakable sound of a zipper, he realizes Kris is undoing his pants. Chanyeol’s brain is too foggy to move when he feels a hand come around to his front. He still can’t move when he feels Kris on his back, rocking back and forth. 

 

Tears are falling from his eyes as he hears Kris’ grunts and labored breaths. Everything is too much,  _ it’s too much.  _ His ears are ringing as Chanyeol’s panic rises into hysteria. For a second, Chanyeol convinces himself that he’s having a bad trip. Maybe he took something earlier and he just doesn’t remember. This is all fake and soon it will be over as a bad dream. 

 

But Kris runs his other hand up Chanyeol’s side and it feels too real.  _ This is happening _ . Chanyeol gags and tries not to throw up, he will not throw up face down. He won’t. 

 

Kris’ thrusts grow faster and his groans of pleasure grow louder. Chanyeol lets out a sob and it seems to turn Kris on more. 

 

“This is all you’re useful for. Remember this anytime you think you can be something. You will never be anything more than this,” Kris whispers into his ear and grabs Chanyeol’s sides even harder. His fingernails are cutting into the soft flesh and Chanyeol is trying to break free. He’s trying,  _ really trying _ , throwing pleas and insults at Kris. 

 

Unfazed, Kris’ breath becomes more uneven and more erratic as he reaches the edge. Chanyeol is sobbing and trying to think of anything else other than what is happening to him right now. His mind lands on soft, brown eyes and a yellow fuzzy sweater. He hangs onto the image and imagines he is far away, somewhere Kris can’t get him and the brown-haired boy in a yellow sweater laughs freely.

 

And then Kris comes and he’s biting down on Chanyeol’s shoulder  _ hard. _ Chanyeol screams in agony as the teeth break through his skin and blood trickles down his shoulder blade. Kris collapses on top of Chanyeol, pressing him into the bed.

 

Chanyeol is shaking so hard, his teeth are going to fall out of his jaw. He just wants to lay there, curl into a ball and cry. But above all the pain, fear, and hysteria, he feels angry. Angry at Kris, angry at himself for letting him be- what? Raped? Was that even rape? Whatever, Chanyeol just knows it was wrong. 

 

Kris gets up and zips his pants back on. He turns around to leave Chanyeol on the bed, alone and exposed for anyone else who might come along. He doesn’t say anything as Chanyeol tries and fails to get up, only laughs. And then he’s unlocking the door and exiting.

 

There is only silence. Only Chanyeol’s shaking breath and whimpers in the dark room. He turns himself around, still feeling the effects of whatever Kris gave him. All of a sudden, everything goes black.

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***- so basically kris drugged chanyeol and sexually assualted him for breaking up with him, he tells him to always remember it when he thinks he's doing better. At the end chanyeol passes out
> 
> THIS IS IN NO WAY A REPRESENTATION OF KRIS IN REAL LIFE. Kris is actually super sweet and would never do this in real life. this is simply a character in a FICTIONAL story and does not represent my actual feelings for him 
> 
> again im really sorry for this chapter, it was especially hard for me to write


	17. breathe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oof im so sorry i haven't updated in literally forever. my laptop broke and school started and ive been really sad lately so i dont have the time or motivation. Im gonna try and start updating again so sorry for this short and sad chapter. the next one is from baekhyuns perspective, so it will be a little more upbeat. sorry again but like does anyone even read my notes lmao

To fall off the edge of the world would be quite an extraordinary feat. First, you must prove the Earth is flat to be able fall off. Proving the Earth is flat would go against anything the Earth had ever known, not to mention others would look down and wonder why such intellect would be put to waste. But if one day, an other-worldy being came down and proclaimed they had been to all the galaxies and knew infinitely more than any of our “scientists,” and said the Earth was flat, there would be chaos. The population would be completely turned upside down, history books would be burned in the street, and no one would be able to believe anything they had previously learned. If the ancestors got something as monumental as the shape of the world wrong, what else is false? Is the Law of Gravity verifiable? Can we trust any of Einstein’s famed words? Everything would be thrown into question by one statement. 

This is how Chanyeol feels as he wakes up on a bathroom floor. Disoriented. His head is throbbing and when he stands, he throws up bile into the already sick-filled toilet. 

 

_ ‘So that’s why I’m in the bathroom.’ _ he thinks. Chanyeol looks at himself in the mirror. There are hand-shaped bruises on both wrists and a deep bite mark, already scabbing over, on his shoulder. On his temple there is a bright purple bruise, creating a black eye. Chanyeol rubs his hands over his torso and feels crescent moons pressed into his hips.

 

All of a sudden the images from last night, from Kris, come rushing back.  _ ‘Oh God,’  _ Chanyeol rushes to the toilet, throwing up once more. He rinses his mouth and looks into the mirror again. His skin is pale and shining from sweat. His lips are light purple, making him look dead. His eyes only add to the effect, lifeless and dull. Chanyeol has to get home. His parents are probably wondering where he is. 

 

He exits the bathroom and into the bedroom and the urge to gag hits him again as he smells the sweat and sex in the air. Chanyeol grabs his shirt off the floor next to a pile of records and hastily puts it on as he rushes out into the front hall. Jooheon is in the kitchen, sweeping up the trash from last nights events. 

 

“Oh hey Chan-Woah what happened to your face! I didn’t hear anybody fighting last night!” Jooheon exclaims.  _ ‘Yeah. You didn’t hear alot of things last night.’ _ Chanyeol turns away from him, unable to meet his eye. 

 

“I must’ve tripped or something.”

 

“Okay,” he replies, obviously not believing him, but no reason to call Chanyeol out. “I’m surprised you stayed. Jongin said you guys were supposed to go home together.”

 

“Aha, yeah. I must’ve gotten too drunk and passed out.” Chanyeol shakily chuckles and rubs the back of his neck. 

 

“Yeah, that’s what Kris said,” Jooheon says as he returns to his sweeping. Chanyeol’s eyes widen. What did Kris tell him?

 

“Y-you talked to Kris?” 

 

“Uh huh. Caught him on his way out. Honestly Chanyeol, I don’t know why you hang around him.”

 

“Why? I thought you liked him?” Jooheon laughs and sets down his broom. 

 

“Him? No way. The only reason I let him come was because you’re friends with him. He seriously creeps me out. Even last night, when I stopped him he looked like he murdered someone but was, strangely, happy about it? I don’t know, but it gave me the shivers man and I was completely smashed.” 

Chanyeol says nothing as he walks out of the door, leaving behind a puzzled Jooheon.

 

\----------------------

 

When Chanyeol gets home he sprints to the shower, stripping off articles of clothing as he goes. He turns the water on as hot as it goes and steps in, scalding his skin. Chanyeol stands in the shower for 30 minutes, just letting the hot water pound onto him, until he finally feels clean enough to use a washrag. He runs the rag an innumerable amount of times over his body, scratching off the scab on his shoulder and causing it to bleed again. Chanyeol sees the blood mixing in with the water on the white-tiled floor and begins to cry. He shoves the rag in his mouth to muffle his sobs, and sits down on the shower floor, rocking back and forth. Another 20 minutes go by when the water runs cold and he’s able to get out. 

 

Chanyeol brushes his teeth three times, causing the little cuts on the side of his mouth from the rag to sting. As he stares at himself in the bathroom, he sees nothing. His stomach has a heavy feeling and his skin is tingling from the water, but his mind is blank. He doesn’t know how long he stands there just standing before he notices how cold he is and leaves to change. He puts on boxers and crawls into bed, pulling the comforter to cover his face. His cheeks are damp and he moves to wipe off his tears. 

  
_ ‘How pathetic. I can’t even stop crying. Get over it. He barely even touched you. You’re fine.’ _ Even as he says this, however, he can’t help but think of how untrue it really is. Kris took everything from Chanyeol, leaving an empty husk in his leave. He can’t move, his limbs are too heavy, pushing him farther into the mattress to suffocate him. Suddenly the silence becomes too much and Chanyeol turns on a random episode of  “The Office” He watches, unable to absorb any of the words being displayed on screen, unable to breathe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Im SORRY ITS SO SAD BUT I MEAN ITS WARRENTED also my writing sucks ass i havent written in so long


	18. Secret

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow another chapter!!? I was rereading this so I can make sure there was nothing I forgot and I legit start half of my chapter notes with, “i’m sorry I haven’t updated in so long,” that should tell you soemthing.

A soft knock on wood wakes Chanyeol up from his slumber. It’s dark outside. He can hear the crickets outside his window. He makes no effort to get up. 

 

“Loey?” It’s Jongin. Of course it is. They always hang out the day after New Years. “Are you awake? Your mom said she hasn’t seen you all day.” Jongin quietly makes his way over to the bed and the sudden weight makes Chanyeol flinch. “Chanyeol?” 

 

“Leave.” That’s not what he meant to say. 

 

“What’s wrong? Look at me,” Jongin slowly peels the comforter from Chanyeol’s unmoving body and gasps seeing the bite and the bruises. “Chanyeol,” He says more sternly this time, “Look  at me.” 

 

Chanyeol slowly turns and stares at Jongin. Watches the look of horror on his face. 

 

“Is this what you want Jongin? You want me to look at you?” Chanyeol's voice comes out hostile and not at all how he feels. 

 

“What happened?” He whispers, “Please tell me Loey,” 

 

“Don’t call me that right now. Why are you here?” 

 

“I just wanted to see if you were okay. I texted you a thousand times about hanging out but you didn’t answer, so I came over.” 

 

“Well. Here I am. Are you happy now? Is your conscience clear?” Chanyeol knows he shouldn’t be saying this. Jongin is worried because he’s a good friend. 

 

“Tell me what happened. Kris told me that you went home early-“ 

 

“Don’t. Fucking. Say. His. Name.” Chanyeol barely gets out the words with how hard he’s gritting his teeth. Suddenly, he feels furious. Where the fuck was Jongin? Didn’t he tell Chanyeol that he wouldn’t leave him? When Chanyeol told him he was scared of Kris, Jongin promised not to leave him alone. Where was he then? 

 

“You need to leave right now Jongin.” 

 

“Why? Just tell me Chanyeol I can help-“ 

 

“THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO HELP ME! Leave. I don’t want to look at your face.” Jongin is starting to cry and Chanyeol feels worse. This isn’t what he wants. 

 

“But why Chanyeol? Tell me what I did wrong, I’ll fix it.” Of course Jongin would assume he did something. Nope, just Chanyeol being a despicable human as always. 

 

“You left me! I told you not to leave me and you did!” Chanyeol stand up abruptly, causing Jongin to jump. Jongin sees the rest of the marks and the bruises on his wrists.

 

“Chanyeol. Please tell me what happened.” He pleads, fresh tears welling up in his eyes. 

“You promised,” Chanyeol whispers these last two words and falls back on the bed. “You promised you wouldn’t leave me and you did. So, please. Get out. Please.” Chanyeol doesn’t want him to leave. He wants to yell for Jongin to stay. To snuggle him and put on Ponyo and joke about how crazy the night before was. He wants Jongin to pet his hair and tell him everything will be alright. Because he’s scared. He’s scared of the dark and the nightmare that plagued him when he shuts his eyes, even for a second. He’s scared that his whole being has been irrevocably changed for his whole life. But Chanyeol can’t show weakness, not even to Jongin. So he forces out the words to get him to leave. 

“I don’t want you here. Leave. Don’t come back. Don’t text me. Don’t call me. Leave me alone.” And with that Chanyeol returns to his bed and faces the wall. He can hear Jongin shut the door behind him, and the footsteps out in the hall. Chanyeol cries again. He wants to call Jongin back in and apologize. He doesn’t want to be alone. He’s scared. 

—————————

Baekhyun is weightless. He cracks his eyes open to see the sun shining through the slats in the blinds. Next to him he feels Junmyeon stir, and his eyes shoot open. 

What the fuck. Why is Junmyeon here? Why is he not wearing a shirt? What is happening? 

“Junmyeon,” Baekhyun whispers, lightly prodding him. When that doesn’t work, he roughly pushes Junmyeon off the bed, hearing a satisfying thump. 

“Jesus Baekhyun. Why did you do that?” But Junmyeon is laughing, so he isn’t that mad. 

“Why are you naked and in my bed?”

 

“First off, i’m not naked. I have boxers on. Secondly, you invited me over  Do you not remember?” Baekhyun had been pretty drunk last night. He remembers it being late and telling Junmyeon to spend the night. He remembers rushed kisses and roaming hands. Whispers and giggles. Baekhyun smiles and leans over to kiss Junmyeon on the cheek. 

“I remember! But seriously you have to go before my mom sees you!” 

After Junmyeon leaves, Baekhyun texts all his friends asking them about their night. It was fun. Probably the most fun New Years he’s ever had. Except. Did Chanyeol try to kiss him? Was that real? Baekhyun left before he could, but the expression on his face was there. Chanyeol’s eyes are much different up close and not full of hate, but something more like adoration. They were big and full of the brightest constellations Baekhyun has ever seen. He stares off distracted by the memory. 

Why is he thinking about Chanyeol? He has Junmyeon. He should be thinking about Junmyeon only. Not Chanyeol’s warm brown eyes and his large hands on Baekhyun’s bicep. School is starting soon and then after that only two more months until early graduation. Almost all seniors in the school graduate in March and Baekhyun couldn’t be any happier. 

He gets up and texts Kyungsoo asking to hang out on the last day of their winter break and he texts back a minute later saying he’s on his way. Baekhyun quickly gets dressed in his fluffiest, baby blue sweater and rushes to the kitchen to eat. 

Soon, the doorbell is ringing and Baekhyun is jumping up with a bright smile to answer it. 

“Soo!” He rushes into Kyungsoo’s arms and squeezes him. “How was your New Years!?” 

“Nice to see you bright and shiny,” Kyungsoo chuckles and tells Baekhyun that his night was good. 

When they get back into Baekhyun’s room, Kyungsoo notices Junmyeon’s jacket on his desk chair. He points at it and raises his eyebrow expectantly. 

“It’s not what you think. He just spent the night,” Baekhyun hastily throws the jacket into his hamper. “Anyways, tell me about your night!” 

“Um- it was good. Went home around 12:30 ish. Nothing too exciting.” 

“Where were you at the countdown Soo? I tried to look for you, but I didn’t see you anywhere!” Baekhyun pouts and stares at Kyungsoo, while he gets flustered. “Oh were you busy?” Baekhyun pokes his cheek and laughs at the bright red flush on Kyungsoo’s face. 

 

“Maybe I was. Why would I have to tell you?” Kyungsoo shoots back, swatting away the offending hand. 

“Because I am your best friend and best friends tell eachother everything,” Kyungsoo looks down at that and Baekhyun immediately catches on. “Unless, you haven’t told me everything?” He leans forward and stares until Kyungsoo lifts his head with a guilty expression. 

“Actually, I have a boyfriend.” 

“WHAT!?” Out of all things he expected to hear, Baekhyun does not expect that. How could he not have noticed? Why didn’t he tell him? “For how long!?” 

“Maybe two years or so. Actually it will be three years in May,” 

“THREE YEARS!? What the heck? Why didn’t you tell me? Who is it?” Baekhyun is shocked, but also hurt. He’s supposed to be Kyungsoo’s best friend. “How did I not notice” Baekhyun whispers and looks down at his hands.

“No Baekhyun! I’m sorry. I should have told you. I know. I’m a terrible friend. But it’s so complicated and I didn’t want to burden you with it.” Kyungsoo pleads and grabs Baekhyun’s hand in between both of his. 

“That’s a lame ass excuse Kyungsoo and you know it.” Baekhyun is angry and he has a right to be! His own best friend kept a secret for two years! 

“I know. I’m sorry. You have every right to be mad. I don’t know how to make it up to you, but I promised I wouldn’t keep anything from you as my new years resolution.” Baekhyun has calmed down. He’s not that upset. It was Kyungsoo’s choice to hide it from him and he doesn’t have a right to question that and the last thing Kyungsoo said sounded sincere. 

“You can tell me who it is,” Baekhyun answers cheekily. 

“Oh my-No. I will not” Kyungsoo puts his head in his hands and groans. 

“Come on you at least owe me that much! I mean, I didn’t even know you were gay! I had an inkling but you never showed any interest in anyone, so I just assumed-“ 

“FINE! I’m not gay by the way. I’m pan. I don’t look at gender,” 

“Wow this must be a very good dude then to get you to like him!” Baekhyun laughs and then quiets once again when he sees Kyungsoo’s face. “Who is it Soo?” 

“Okay. You have to promise not to be mad. Promise me this right now.” Kyungsoo looks deathly serious and it concerns Baekhyun. 

“I promise,” Baekhyun’s brow furrows when he sees Kyungsoo playing with the hem of his shirt, a nervous tic saved for only the most stressful situations. 

“It’s Jongin.” Silence. 

“WHAT!” For a second time, Baekhyun yells. However, this time he’s jumping up from the bed and pacing around the room. “What the actual FUCK SOO!? Jongin? Out of all people you choose one of the devils minions!? You do know that his best friend makes my life hell right?” 

“Yes!” Kyungsoo yells, startling Baekhyun from his pacing. “Trust me! I know. It bothers the shit out of me Baekhyun! I can’t tell you how many times we’ve gotten into fights over it. I even broke up with him when they hurt you really bad one time. But, I can’t leave him Hyun. I can’t. He’s everything to me.” Baekhyun softens hearing Kyungsoo’s voice fall to a whisper after his exclamation. 

Suddenly he remembers Kyungsoo being extra moody the days after Baekhyun would have a particular nasty encounter with Chanyeol and his friends. He always just believed it was because Kyungsoo hated seeing him hurt. Which he guesses, technically is the case. It still correlated with the fact that Kyungsoo and Jongin have gotten into fights about it. There was that particular day in Astronomy club when Kyungsoo wouldn’t talk to either Jongin or Baekhyun too and- 

“Nini,” Kyungsoo’s head shoots up. 

“What did you say?” 

“Nini. That’s what you called Jongin during the first club meeting! I was so confused I thought I imagined it! But i was right! There was something off about it!” Baekhyun starts laughing until he can’t even keep himself standing up. Soon enough Kyungsoo joins in and both of the boys are laughing hysterically for no reason. 

“So you’re not mad?” Kyungsoo asks, wiping tears from his eyes. 

“Mm, not really. I’m still confused about it and you’re gonna have to tell me how it all started. But if he really makes you happy then I can’t say anything against it. I mean you guys have been together for a really long time, so you both obviously care. Plus, Jongin isn’t so bad. It’s just his friends,” Baekhyun walks back to where Kyungsoo is sitting and lays next to him, grabbing his hand. 

“ I know. And I’m really sorry Hyun. I’ve told him over and over again to stop it and just leave them, but he says he doesn’t want to leave Chanyeol alone.” Baekhyun perks up. 

“Chanyeol? I’m sure he’s just fine without him,” Baekhyun scoffs. 

“I don’t know. I mean Jongin has known him his entire life and he says he’s not as mean as he seems. Nini doesn’t want to leave him alone with Kris and the other boys, so that Chanyeol won’t do something that will get him or someone else in a lot of trouble. Jongin really loves Chanyeol, and as surprising as it is, Chanyeol really loves Jongin. I can tell when they’re on the phone or texting each other. Jongin may be the only person Chanyeol cares about,” Kyungsoo finishes with a sigh. 

“That’s weird. I don’t know if I can believe Chanyeol having a heart. Did he say anything about why Chanyeol started bullying me?” 

“No, not really. He said one day Chanyeol just told the guys to start picking on you. Jongin thinks it’s all for show though. Something has been going on with him lately and is causing him to act weirder than usual. Even Jongin notices that he doesn’t bully you as hard as other people.” 

“Still hard enough in my opinion. This is so weird. I never thought I would be talking about Chanyeol with you, Jongin’s boyfriend,” he puts extra emphasis on the word,  _ boyfriend _ , eliciting another groan from the shorter boy. 

“Don’t call me that oh my god. Shut up and let’s watch something,” Kyungsoo hops off the bed, Baekhyun’s comforter in tow, to go to the living room. 

————————-

At around 7 P. M., Kyungsoo gets a frantic call from Jongin. 

“Hey babe what’s up? Slow down. What happened? Where is he? Where are you? I’m coming to get you.” Kyungsoo jumps up and grabs his keys from the coffee table. 

“Sorry Baekhyun i have to go. Jongin just called me crying saying something about how Chanyeol kicked him out and how it looks like something bad happened to him. He’s really freaking out, i have to go see him.” Baekhyun immediately nods. Kyungsoo is visibly shaken and it’s obviously a big deal, so Baekhyun lets him leave without any questions. However, even as he lays in bed at night he wonders, what happened to Chanyeol? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy that kaisoo


	19. Hollow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> t/w for a brief mention of self harm and depression like symptoms
> 
> also there is a graphic violence scene

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM BACK BITCHES its been twenty years but i decided to finish this fic before graduation so lets hope ive become weirdly attached to the characters but its been so long i had to reread my own fic

School comes faster than Baekhyun can blink, and soon enough all of winter break has passed by. Baekhyun’s life couldn’t be any better. He has been hanging out with Kyungsoo alot more, along with Jongin. It turns out that Kyungsoo was never ignoring him, he was just with his boyfriend. Junmyeon is the best boyfriend he could ask for, always helping  him watch Daeun and cook dinner. His mom has been nicer since the Christmas incident and everything is looking up. It’s almost like Baekhyun has forgotten anything negative about life at all. Until, he gets to school. 

 

Walking into homeroom is like a kick in the guts. The first thing he sees is the one and only Park Chanyeol. Ever since Kyungsoo left his house in a rush because of something to do with him, Baekhyun has pushed the taller boy out of his mind. Seeing him like this, however, makes something in his gut sink. 

 

Chanyeol looks terrible. There are deep, dark bags under his eyes and gone are the expensive clothes, replaced with a ratty hoodie. The worst part are his eyes, hollow and empty. Baekhyun has only seen that look on one person before, himself. 

 

He wants to know what happened. What happened over break for Chanyeol to look so hopeless and beaten down? Even though Baekhyun knows he shouldn’t care, he does. It’s in his nature to care about people even when they are Park Chanyeol. Is this what Jongin was so freaked about? If so, why hasn’t he brought anything up to him or Soo for that matter? 

 

Throughout the whole class, Chanyeol is silent. He never once looks up from his desk, choosing instead to stare out the window. It scares Baekhyun. The class ends and he feels infinitely more upset and confused than this morning. 

 

——————————-

 

Baekhyun catches Kyungsoo before lunch walking with Jongin. ‘Perfect’ he thinks, ‘Jongin will know what’s up.’ 

 

“Hey Soo! Hey Jongin!” 

 

“Hey Baek,” Jongin replies. His hand is tucked neatly in Kyungsoo’s and for a moment Baekhyun is incredibly happy for his friends. 

 

Over the break the three of them had grown closer. Baekhyun learned a lot about Jongin and how sweet he actually is. Seeing them together makes the whole three-year-secret okay. 

 

“I know this is really random, but do you remember when you called Kyungsoo right after New Years?” Jongin’s face pales and the grip on Kyungsoo’s hand grows minutely tighter. 

 

“Yeah, why?” 

 

“Well when you called, it sounded really urgent. Like something bad happened. Something to Chanyeol,” Baekhyun replies easily. “I’m just asking because I saw him today and he looked really bad” 

 

“Why do you care Baekhyun? Chanyeol hates you. Did you forget that?” Kyungsoo asks, brows furrowed. 

 

“I don’t. It was just really shocking and he just looked really lost,” Something in Baekhyun's stomach twists again thinking of the brown haired boy’s appearance. 

 

“I wouldn’t know. He’s stopped talking to me since New Years,” Jongin interrupts. Huh? That’s new. Why did he stop talking to his supposed best friend. 

 

“Why? Did you guys fight? Is that why he’s upset?” Jongin seems lost in thought as the trio reach their lunch spot. It takes him a few more seconds to answer. 

 

“I don’t think so. I think something terrible happened,” Jongin whispers, so quietly Baekhyun almost doesn’t catch it, “I don’t know what happened or why he refuses to speak to me. If you find out, let me know.” 

 

The way Jongin explains it sends shivers down Baekhyun’s spine. Thinking it’s useless to worry over someone he doesn’t even know, he decides to push it out of his mind. After all, curiosity did kill the cat. 

 

————————

 

Empty. That’s all Chanyeol can feel. At first, everything was too much. Too many feelings at once. Anger. Sadness. Hurt. Loneliness. It was all too much. Now, however, Chanyeol would give anything to feel something. 

 

It doesn’t sound that bad. Who wouldn’t want to live without those negative feelings? Emptiness sure sounds a lot better than heartbreak. Oh, how wrong they are. Being empty doesn’t just mean no feelings. It means listening to your favorite song and not wanting to sing along. Not showering for five days, because why put in the effort when nothing matters? It means not feeling the warmth of your coffee through your favorite mug and the love from a mother’s embrace. Chanyeol knows his parents are worried. He heard them speaking one night about how terrible he looked lately, but he doesn’t care. He cares about nothing anymore. He hasn’t felt the urge to play his guitar or do his homework, anything. He feels so hollow, it’s killing him. 

 

Little by little the darkness is taking over his small insignificant life, wrapping it in despair. Chanyeol will stare up at his ceiling for hours, hoping for something. Anything. When it gets really bad, and the dark is too much, too heavy, too suffocating, Chanyeol will dig his fingernails into his thigh. He’ll keep pushing and pushing until he breaks through his skin and he feels something. A spike of pain, a rush of adrenaline. It only lasts for a second before Chanyeol feels even worse. 

 

School is almost unbearable. He really thought he could handle it and he could. Until he sees Jongin go to sit with Kyungsoo and his friends at lunch without sending him a second glance. Chanyeol shouldn’t be surprised. He’s the one who sent him away with no explanation, but how can you tell your best friend that the unthinkable has happened? The nightmares are worse than the days. Every time he closes his eyes, Chanyeol sees him. The same twisted smile and taunting laugh replays in his mind, causing him to wake up thrashing and panting in bed. His only salvation is the occasional dream about a soft and small brown haired boy in brightly colored sweaters. These dreams cause him to feel something other than terror when he wakes up, loss. 

 

Chanyeol walks up to the normal lunch spot and is relieved to see Kris isn’t there. He’d been so nervous to see him, crescent-shaped marks are imprinted on his palms. But he’s not and everything is fine. It’s fine. 

 

“Hey Chanyeol! How was break?” Jongdae looks up from his conversation with Sehun to welcome him. 

 

“It was fine.” Everything is fine. 

 

“You look like shit. Everything okay?” Jongdae’s hair is black now and longer than it used to be. It looks nice, a change. 

 

“Just stressed is all,” Chanyeol sits down next to him and stares at everyone around him, daring them to make another comment on his appearance. They don’t, unsurprisingly. 

 

“You want to get out of here?” Sehun speaks up, “We can go to the warehouse!” 

 

“Sure,” is all he says back and they all get up to leave. Nobody asks about Jongin. Chanyeol is grateful for that. 

 

——————

 

At the warehouse, Chanyeol relaxes. Apparently Kris is out of town, so there is no chance of him meeting up with the rest of them. Somebody pulls out a flask of whiskey and it’s being passed around while Jongdae and Sehun fill each other in with stories from their break. 

 

“What happened over your break Chanyeol?” Someone asks. Chanyeol doesn’t know or care who, the alcohol is fogging his brain. 

 

“Nothing,” Exactly. Nothing fucking happened and it’s going to stay that way. He’s pathetic for still hanging on to it for as long as he has. Such a pity. 

 

Usually drinking helps Chanyeol forget about his problems. Right now, it’s doing the opposite. He can’t control his thoughts now. He can’t protect his brain from going over the past events from two weeks ago. He feels Kris thrusting onto his back. He feels the hands gripping onto his wrist. He feels the punch against his face and the sweat from his body dripping onto Chanyeol’s skin. 

 

He can’t stop the images from plaguing his mind. He has no control. Just like he didn’t have control in that room.  _ He has no control _ . He has to make it stop. He needs it to stop. Jongdae and Sehun carry on chatting about whatever useless thing comes to their mind, but he can’t do it. He can’t pretend everything is alright when he feels like a tornado trapped in a glass jar. It’s hard to breathe, his lungs are constricting and his heart is beating so fast it’s going to break out of his chest. He needs to control. He needs someone to  _ bleed _ . He wants Kris to bleed, but he’s not here and Chanyeol wants someone to hurt now. 

 

Somehow, the trio end back up at school. They have to anyways, all their cars are there. Chanyeol’s been silent this whole time. The cheap whisky has worn off leaving only too much pent up anger and hate in its wake. He’s about to explode. 

 

“Look it’s Baekhyun and his boyfriend,” Jongdae nudges Chanyeol. He sees Baekhyun walk to Junmyeon’s car, kiss him on the lips, and wave goodbye. And it hurts. It hurts so fucking bad and Chanyeol can’t take this. After all the nothingness, suddenly he’s feeling everything. Chanyeol is dirty. Used. Baekhyun is perfect, innocent, and everything Chanyeol is not. He  _ hates _ it. He watches as Baekhyun starts walking home and Chanyeol can’t take it anymore. 

 

Next thing he knows he’s dragging Baekhyun into a secluded wooded area and starts to swing. It’s eerily quiet, only a faint ringing in his ear and he’s flying. Diving and swerving, destroying everything in his path as he lands. 

 

It’s called displacement. The unconscious transfer of an intense emotion from its original subject to another one. That’s what the doctors would say. Chanyeol says that feeling the soft flesh of Baekhyun’s pretty face split and bleed under the weight of his punches feels a lot better than thinking about how wrong and sick Kris is for what he did. Everything fades into background noise, the encouraging from his friends switches to hesitant warnings not to cross the line. To make sure he doesn’t kill anybody. 

 

But he  _ can’t  _ stop. Every hit is adrenaline pumping through his veins, Baekhyun’s body jolts with every impact and Chanyeol feels  _ good.  _ His knuckles ache and his heart throbs, but Baekhyun must be in worse pain and that makes him happy. Somebody else is suffering and that feels  _ good _ . Suddenly it’s not Baekhyun underneath him, but Kris. It’s Kris’ nose breaking and blood dripping onto the icy ground. This is what he gets. His punishment for what he did to Chanyeol in that room. Finally, justice. 

 

It feels like years, he doesn’t know how long he keeps it up. Pushing his friends away as they try to pull him off the small broken boy underneath him. They don’t understand.  _ He doesn’t understand.  _ They don’t know what to do.  _ He doesn’t know what to do.  _

 

And suddenly, Baekhyun moves. 

 

Cold fingers wrap around Chanyeol's wrist, so delicately it breaks him out of the trance. He jerks to a stop, breathing heavily and eyes burning with rage. The hold is loose and gentle. It causes the images of Kris to fade away and Baekhyun’s beaten and bloody face to return to his vision. There are cuts dripping blood sideways along his cheeks and temples, one eye is swollen shut. The other is staring directly at him in the cold light. Chanyeol catches sight of a pastel purple sweater sleeve. 

 

_ So there is the color _ . It’s come back to fight back the darkness. 

 

“Chanyeol, stop….please,” Baekhyun’s wheezing voice catches on the blood in his mouth and Chanyeol almost misses it. If he wasn’t obsessed with everything about the boy, almost unconscious underneath him, he would’ve. 

 

It hits him then. Baekhyun is fighting back. Although useless, this is the first time he’s ever put up any sort of resistance. This is what he’s wanted. This is what he’s been after this whole time. For Baekhyun to break. To show a sign that he is no different from everyone else, no better. It does not feel as satisfying as he thought it would. Instead he feels sick looking down at the broken boy beneath him. Tears streaming through the one unswollen eye, creating tracks through the blood, and all at once Chanyeol loses everything. 

 

Baekhyun is  _ fighting back.  _ Its small and subtle, but this is Baekhyun  _ defending  _ himself. 

 

Oh god. What has he done?

 

Suddenly, he’s no longer angry. Sehun and Jongdae have left. There is only quiet air and the pain-filled choking noises Baekhyun is making underneath him. He can’t take this. He can’t look at him any longer and see what he’s done to his beautiful face. He doesn’t want to see those tears falling down his swollen cheeks, even though it’s what he’s wanted ever since he met him in the library. What he’s wanted since he drank that alcohol, someone else to feel his pain. 

 

Fuck. 

 

Fuck. What did he do? He needs to leave. 

 

What the  _ fuck is wrong with him?  _ What the  _ fuck did he do?  _

 

He reaches with his free hand to pry off the small fingers loosely held around his wrist. Jumping to his feet, he watches Baekhyun roll into a fetal position with a pained groan falling from his split lips. Chanyeol can't look anymore. 

 

He turns away, twigs and leaves crunching underneath his heavy feet. He passes Baekhyun’s back pack sitting in the dirt and calmly, very calmly, picks it up and places it next to Baekhyun’s head. Then he sprints off into the cold. 

 

What the fuck did he just do. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the sadness and angst will never end


End file.
